Before I write this all out let me first say that I tend to ramble in writing. I usually just write out what's on my mind. With that said here goes.
Dating is definetly a hard thing sometimes. I've been doing it for a while and still can't seem to get the hang of it. I should probably mention what it is I'm looking for in regards to a relationship. I want to have a full time, long term, just me and her relationship. Where we both are in love with each other and want to each spend the rest of our lives making the other person happy. I know that sounds like a hard thing to find and I'll admit it definetly has seemed so so far.
I had a full time relationship three years ago. As far as the relationship itself goes it was everything I wanted in one, the problem was the person I was in the relationship with. She made me unhappy and when we finally ended things it felt like there was a great weight lifted off of my shoulders. I've done my best not to find myself in that situation again. Me and her dated for eleven months; ten months longer than we should have. The problem is, I've been looking for the same type of relationship ever since, I just want it with someone who I can be happy with. I've dated since; some with potential, others I wanted to run from rather quickly, and a few that I've had fun with but that wound up being all there was to it. I know a lot of people have told me "Stop looking for it; It will come when you least expect it"; all the usual stuff. That's all fine and dandy but it's a lot easier said than done. Especially when 95% of my friends are alll in happy relationships with people they know they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It's hard not to envy their happiness in all honesty. Most of them happen to be poly with a few who are monogamous but they all seem to be very pleased with the relationships they are in. I know folks always say stuff like "You're only seeing parts of our relationship," or "We have problems, it's not all perfect." I totally understand that, the thing that makes those relationships so good is that the arguments, disagreements, and problems aren't ending the relationship. I believe it's because they have found the person who they care about so much that an argument isn't going to make them want to end the relationship. I've not 100% found that yet.
One thing I've come to learn is that I'm not a poly person. It's not that I have a problem with it, as a matter of fact I have one or two friends with benefits who are poly. The reason; I've come to learn, as for why I'm not is because I know(in the back of my mind anyway) that no matter what, no matter how much feeling I might eventually develop for someone there is always someone else they care about more. I wouldn't be the person that is most important(outside of family and friends who have been around longer than me anyway) in their life. My experience, admittedly, has never been on the primary side of things but I know I couldn't handle that either. The reason for that is because if I was someone's primary I'd always be afraid that they would leave me for their secondary. I know that's probably a silly thing to be worried about especially since that can happen in a monogamous relationship but why let it be even easier for that to happen. So I've come to accept the fact that poly won't work for me.
I'm also worried that karma is playing a huge role in my dating life. I've only really been dating for 8 years or so and the first few women I've dated I wasn't very good with. I'll admit some of that was self delusion on my part. In the earler relationships I told myself that I wanted more when in reality all I wanted was sex. It took me a few years to realize and accept that fact and now I feel that the universe is balancing that out by putting me in situations where I either end up with someone who only wants a physical relationship or I date someone where no strong feelings develop on their end of things. Because of that I'm sometimes worried that I'm destined to never truly find happiness with someone.
While I do sometimes enjoy being single(I'm not super depressed or anything), a lot of times I want to share some of the stuff I'm enjoying with someone who I know will enjoy it right along with me. One thing I can say is that I know what true love is, for me anyway. It's loving someone without any conditions attached, it's wanting to see the other person happy even if they aren't with you, it's wanting to be there and do stuff for them without expecting anything in return. It's being able to tell someone anything without them judging you, it's knowing that they will always be there no matter what, it's being able to go plenty of time without seeing or talking to them and still feel as close as possible. Of course that is a subject more for a different post.
When it's all said and done though I can say I wouldn't change my experiences for anything. I've learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship. I know I don't need someone to make me happy but it would certainly be nice to have someone to be happy with.
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