Conflation

So back in February I went to a very fun event called Conflation. This is my memory of that weekend.

Day 1
I arrived at the hotel around 2; after having taken a shuttle from the airport. I took the shuttle due to the fact that I am currently without a car and without getting a ride from someone it was the only way I could get there. So I arrive at the hotel and I already see some friends so I have a feeling it is going to be a good weekend. I get to the counter and hand them my debit card to check in to my room only to find out that it was declined; the reason it was declined is because obviously there was no money on it. I'll admit I was surprised it was declined as I had checked at a hotel with no money on it before. Both times I expected to get paid the next day (which I did) so it wasn't a real problem; or so I thought. It turns out that this particular hotel charges the card at the time of check in and finalized the charge at check out. It wouldn't have been so bad except last year my bank had made it so you can't overdraft your account. Luckily for me my friend T was standing nearby and I was able to ask him if I could check in using his card. The hotel said as long as I paid in cash when I checked out he wouldn't be charged. He said yes and I was all set. So after checking in I go to my room and drop off my stuff. On the way upstairs T told me where his room was and to stop by to hang if I wanted so after dropping off my stuff that's what I did. Once I got there I see he has is sharing a room with my friends SC (don't know his last name so I used the initials of his nickname) and P. Was surprised to see P but thought it was cool to see her. So while we were hanging out T pulled out a bunch of shirts he was planning on selling at the con. They were some really cool shirts and if I didn't also have to pay rent with this check I would have bought a couple. He had me try on this jacket that looked really cool and I was surprised to discover it fit. I had been losing weight for a while and since it was an L I figured it wouldn't fit. Turns out it's cut for a bigger guy in general and apparently I've lost more weight than I thought. So after hanging out in his room for a bit T and SC mentioned taking a ride to run a couple of errands and asked if I wanted to ride; I said sure. So SC said he was going to take a shower and he'd meet us downstairs. Since he said it was going to take a bit I chose to walk around and explore the con a bit. So I went to the end of the hall to check out the Con Suite; which is essentially a room where there are drinks and snacks for folks to enjoy through out the con. I was both surprised and pleased to walk in the room and have several people greet me by name as soon as I walked in. It was really cool as I hadn't seen some of these folks since Conflation last year. I hung around and sociallized a bit before going downstairs to wait for T and SC. While down there I ran into a few more friends who I said hi to and was glad to see. So T and SC come down and we rode to the house T was staying and a couple of stores to pick up some stuff. It was a pretty nice ride. On the way back rom T's place he showed me the place where my best friend X is currently staying. So we go back to the hotel in time for opening ceremonies. I run into more friends including a good friend of mine MO. She is an awesome person I always enjoy her company and have fun whenever we hang out. So I chatted with her and a few other people I knew and eventually went to opening ceremonies. They pretty much told us what all was planned for the weekend and introduced us to the special guests for the weekend. During the ceremonies they announced that there would be a charity fashion show later that evening and they needed people to model stuff. I decided to try and model when a friend of mine B said he donated a bunch of clothes for it because they didn't fit since he had lost some weight. I went to the room where the clothes were being kept so I could at least see if they fit. Not only did they fit but there was actually quite a bit of room left over in the shirts. I must say that I loved one aspect of being a "model" the most and that is how comfortable the other people modeling were around each other. Hey, I'm a straight male after all ;). So anyway while I was trying on clothes I got a call from my friend J who told me he had part of my costume and I needed to come to his room to get it. So I go grab that, talk about the announcment that was made during the opening ceremonies that might affect our costumes, drop it off in my room, and then head back to try on more clothes. When I got back to the room where the clothes were there were a couple more guys there which was cool because my friend B dropped off more clothes than I thought and a couple of which didn't come close to fitting me. So after trying everything on they told us what time the show would be and I headed back downstairs to watch the performances of a burlesque performer friend of mine by the name of Allura Fett ( I make an exception with her name as it is a stage name and the more press she gets the better). On the way to watching the performances I was stopped by my friend G who is J's wife. She told me that there was someone J wanted to introduce me to who he thought I'd hit it off with. I said cool and told her I looked forward to meeting this friend. I then continue on to watch Allura's preformances. After her second performance I had to go change for the fashion show since we were next. Modeling for the fashion show was very fun indeed. It was being mc'd by a guy I know SP who is a pretty funny guy. I played up to the crowd as much as I could whenever it was my turn and had the shirt I was wearing taken off by some beautiful women a couple of times and once by my friend J for laughs. My favorite part of the fashion show was when I modeled my friend B's old tux. It has become apparent that I look very good in a three piece style tux as for the second time I was complimented quite a lot while wearing a tux. So I modeled the shit out of that tux to a lot of cheers. It raised the most money out of the clothes I had worn. My favorite part was when the top part of it was removed very sensually by K, a very gorgoeus redhead that I'm glad to know. So after the fashion show I decide to walk around and ran into the woman my friend J wanted me to meet. I had actually ran into her earlier and made an introduction. She was very cute imo and she seemed like someone I'd like. So we chatted a bit and decided to go back to my room. There we had ourselves a bit of fun. Afterwards we left the room because she had to work an overnight shift that night and walked down to the con suite. We sat and chatted for a bit and then she started talking with a friend of hers and I talked to J who happened to be there. So I eventually got up to walk around and ran into another friend of mine(whose initials I can't quite remember atm) who was hanging out with a rather attractive friend of hers with the initials CC. After a while I walked around and ran into T and P. I hung out with them for a bit before going back to the friend whose initials i can't remember's room (pretty easy as she was across the hall lol) while there I had a few drinks and sat and chatted. CC had gotten bound by a guy I'd run into a few times who had been participating in a pretty good bondage panel performed by SP earlier that evening. So after all that was done and she had enjoyed being bound quite a bit I decided to go to my room further down the hall to get the bottle of rum I had brought with me. I came back and hung out for a bit more before going downstairs with my friend and CC who had gone outside to smoke. Man it was really cold. So after a while, around 4 a.m. I decided to go to bed.

Day 2
The next day I woke up at 8 am because I was going to try and get a money order so that I could use it to pay my rent and after that day it would be late. I went down to the con suite where I ran into CC who was getting a back massage. She was a bit tired and kind of hung over so I said hi and then went to go eat breakfast. I went downstairs and grabbed a couple of bowls of cereal and just relaxed. Not much really goes on during the day on the second day of Conflation as most folks sleep until the afternoon so all I really did was walk around and socialize a bit. I ran into my friend MO who had hooked up with a guy the night before. We high fived and congratulated each other on our hook ups (we had done it the night before but always good to do again). So I did some more scoializing and hanging out until it was time for the dance and virgin raffle. It was around about 7 or 8 in the evening that everyone was getting together for more partying. This is where the annoncement I mentioned earlier becomes a problem. You see during opening ceremonies they annonced that in certain areas of the hotel alcohol would not be allowed as the bar in the hotel is seperate from the hotel and don't like outside alcohol in their area. This was a problem because myself, J, and a few other people had costumes that were all alcohol themed. I was The Incredible Keg. So after having gotten strapped in and had a couple of pictures taken I took off the alcoholic part of my costume and went downstairs. Once I got down there I was able to see a bunch of really good costumes; one of which was worn by my friend CR who was dressed as Poison Ivy. I had ran into my friend CR earlier and had let her drop off her stuff in my room as she wasn't staying in the hotel and needed a place to stash it. I gave her a spare room key so she could get into the room without having to spend a long time searching for me. So while I was downstairs they held what is called The Virgin Raffle. This is the part of Conflation where they raffle off the folks who are "Con virgins" so that they can get to know folks and have fun. It was very fun to watch this year. Last year I was myself a con virgin so I enjoyed just watching it this year. Next year I'll probably get a couple raffle tickets. I just remembered I should mention that before coming down to the "Virgin Raffle" I had ran into CC and managed to hook up with her. I must say it was very good and I enjoyed it very very much :). Two very good times as a matter of fact. So after the raffle I ran into CC again and we hung out a bit. During that time I ran into K and talked with her and found out she had broken up with the guy she had been seeing for a while. I had run into her quite a few times since the day before and each time it was quite interesting. Interesting enough that I definetly decided to ask her out when I got the chance (she said yes by the way). So K wound up leaving and I ran into CC again. By this point I was starting to get sleepy and decided to go to bed but I figured I'd go for one more romp with CC. After hanging out for a bit walking around we went back to my room and had more fun :). By this point CR had grabbed her stuff as I had told her I was going to sleep and she had wanted to grab her stuff and shower before I crashed. I've got to say CR was cool because I had told her that I was going to hook up with CC both earlier and later and she made sure not to stop by the room. I must add that this hotel had an ingenious do not disturb sign as theirs could be put into the key card reader to stop housekeeping from coming in. Works great for keeping out someone using a spare key card. So after CC left, even though I wanted her to stay with me that night she still wanted to hang with folks, I walked around for a bit and then went to sleep.

Day 3
This was the last day of the con. Again I woke up early, around 8:30 and went to the con suite. While I was there I ran into CC who apparently had not gone to sleep and was still a bit drunk from partying from the night before. We chatted for a while and hung out before I went downstairs where they had...WAFFLES. Yaaaaay, was my first reaction followed by yummm. So I made myself some waffles and they were very tasty. Waffle maker + premade batter = win. After breakfast I walked around a bit and did some more socializing before finding out that check out was at 11 instead of 12 like at most hotels. So I grabbed my stuff (had packed the night before so I wouldn't have to worry about it in the morning) and went to check out. I dropped my stuff in the con suite as I was checking out but wasn't going to leave yet. I went to the front desk and payed in cash so T's card didn't get charged and then went to closing ceremonies. I should mention that during the weekend they were giving beads to those who were having a lot of fun and those of us who had participated in the fashion show. The point of the beads were to exchange them for stuff that the folks who ran the con had to give away. I had picked up a yo-yo, another cool toy, and a spiderman button. I also was able to get a really cool book (which I enjoyed reading) for being in the fashion show (they had let us go and pick out stuff without needing beads). After closing ceremonies they held a raffle which I had bought tickets for earlier. I won a seasonings basket (which I kept) and a basket of craft supplies which I gave to my friend J for his birthday (which was that weekend) he really liked it. So afterwards there was an auction where I won this really cool bag for $25 and then everyone said their goodbyes. I ran into the other girl I had hooked up with and we exchanged numbers so we could keep in touch. So I hung out and socialized for a couple more hours and then went home.
Overall it was a great weekend and I had tons of fun.

People mentioned

In future blogs I may mention people who either said or did something that had an impact on me or events. I don't plan on using names or even nicknames. I will however use initials. I will only use a person's first initial; however, if there is more than one person with the same first initial mention I will add the second. As far as I know I don't think I know anyone who has the same first and last initials as anyone else.

Dating and the search for love

Before I write this all out let me first say that I tend to ramble in writing. I usually just write out what's on my mind. With that said here goes.

Dating is definetly a hard thing sometimes. I've been doing it for a while and still can't seem to get the hang of it. I should probably mention what it is I'm looking for in regards to a relationship. I want to have a full time, long term, just me and her relationship. Where we both are in love with each other and want to each spend the rest of our lives making the other person happy. I know that sounds like a hard thing to find and I'll admit it definetly has seemed so so far.

I had a full time relationship three years ago. As far as the relationship itself goes it was everything I wanted in one, the problem was the person I was in the relationship with. She made me unhappy and when we finally ended things it felt like there was a great weight lifted off of my shoulders. I've done my best not to find myself in that situation again. Me and her dated for eleven months; ten months longer than we should have. The problem is, I've been looking for the same type of relationship ever since, I just want it with someone who I can be happy with. I've dated since; some with potential, others I wanted to run from rather quickly, and a few that I've had fun with but that wound up being all there was to it. I know a lot of people have told me "Stop looking for it; It will come when you least expect it"; all the usual stuff. That's all fine and dandy but it's a lot easier said than done. Especially when 95% of my friends are alll in happy relationships with people they know they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It's hard not to envy their happiness in all honesty. Most of them happen to be poly with a few who are monogamous but they all seem to be very pleased with the relationships they are in. I know folks always say stuff like "You're only seeing parts of our relationship," or "We have problems, it's not all perfect." I totally understand that, the thing that makes those relationships so good is that the arguments, disagreements, and problems aren't ending the relationship. I believe it's because they have found the person who they care about so much that an argument isn't going to make them want to end the relationship. I've not 100% found that yet.

One thing I've come to learn is that I'm not a poly person. It's not that I have a problem with it, as a matter of fact I have one or two friends with benefits who are poly. The reason; I've come to learn, as for why I'm not is because I know(in the back of my mind anyway) that no matter what, no matter how much feeling I might eventually develop for someone there is always someone else they care about more. I wouldn't be the person that is most important(outside of family and friends who have been around longer than me anyway) in their life. My experience, admittedly, has never been on the primary side of things but I know I couldn't handle that either. The reason for that is because if I was someone's primary I'd always be afraid that they would leave me for their secondary. I know that's probably a silly thing to be worried about especially since that can happen in a monogamous relationship but why let it be even easier for that to happen. So I've come to accept the fact that poly won't work for me.

I'm also worried that karma is playing a huge role in my dating life. I've only really been dating for 8 years or so and the first few women I've dated I wasn't very good with. I'll admit some of that was self delusion on my part. In the earler relationships I told myself that I wanted more when in reality all I wanted was sex. It took me a few years to realize and accept that fact and now I feel that the universe is balancing that out by putting me in situations where I either end up with someone who only wants a physical relationship or I date someone where no strong feelings develop on their end of things. Because of that I'm sometimes worried that I'm destined to never truly find happiness with someone.

While I do sometimes enjoy being single(I'm not super depressed or anything), a lot of times I want to share some of the stuff I'm enjoying with someone who I know will enjoy it right along with me. One thing I can say is that I know what true love is, for me anyway. It's loving someone without any conditions attached, it's wanting to see the other person happy even if they aren't with you, it's wanting to be there and do stuff for them without expecting anything in return. It's being able to tell someone anything without them judging you, it's knowing that they will always be there no matter what, it's being able to go plenty of time without seeing or talking to them and still feel as close as possible. Of course that is a subject more for a different post.

When it's all said and done though I can say I wouldn't change my experiences for anything. I've learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship. I know I don't need someone to make me happy but it would certainly be nice to have someone to be happy with.