Well by now chances are you've seen my fb post talking about how I had to break up with MF the woman I was seeing. If you haven't then this is probably the first time you're hearing about it. Either way I will admit that this one hit me a lot harder than any other break up has. It involves stuff from my past that I thought I had gotten over and dealt with but apparently I haven't.
First off let me say that I am ok with people who smoke weed. As drugs go it is considered one of the softer drugs out there and in all honesty if it wasn't illegal I would have tried it myself at one point. Before I start the next bit of this let me say that if you have a problem with me mentioning something someone has done that I don't agree with on the grounds that I shouldn't put their business out there stop reading now. A good number of you won't know who I'm talking about and the few who do already know what's going on in the first place.
The main reason I broke up with MF(yes I broke up with her) is because after years of her being clean she is back on drugs. That is something I can not and will not forgive. This particular reason hit me harder than any other because I have history with it. I wasn't on drugs but when I was a kid my mom was. She has been off of them for 15 years through strength of will and (in her words) "The grace of god." I was around her during a lot of that time and while I didn't know specifically what she was doing I knew she was on drugs. There were a few years where they took her away from me and I didn't see her and rarely heard from her. It took me a few years to forgive her and get past it. I'm glad my mom has been back in my life for all the years she has been and I love her a great deal. That is not something I want to deal with in my life again. I know that addiction is a powerful thing to escape but in all honesty I no longer care. Even though I didn't know her when she was on it before I have an idea of what type of person she'll become. While I've dealt with most of those issues, finding about what MF has done brought a lot of the feelings I had gotten past back. I'll get over this in the long run but I'll not be with her any time soon and if we do end up in each other's lives again it will only be as friends.
Sunday, October 9, 2011
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
30th Birthday Celebration
Ok, I've had the best two days of my life. Before you ask no, I did not have sex but I had so much fun that doesn't matter. I'm pretty much about to describe all that happened. There will be people who have the same initials so for the first time I'm adding I and II to those with the same first and last initials. It's based on chronological order of where they appear in events.
Day 1(Pirate Fest)
The first day of my birthday celebration was September 25th 2011. It's one day before my birthday but it's also the day that most everyone I know and invited was(for the most part) off work. So the day started normal enough I got up ate some cereal and watched a bit of tv. The plan was for me to meet AH I at the Delmar Metrolink station as it was the easiest way for us to meet up to go to Pirate Fest.So I took a shower, got dressed in my Pirate Garb that I was going to wear for Fest, and headed out the door.I got to the Metrolink stop around 10:30 and went to the wrong end of the station. AH I called me to ask where I was and I walked down to the other end of the platform once I realized where she was. We left there and went to her place so that she could finish getting ready and we could wait on LA* and R. After everyone was ready we headed out to Wentzville for Pirate Fest. Stopped at Wendy's on the way to get food (yummy) and stayed on the highway the reast of the way. We got to Pirate Fest at about 12:30 or so. Me and LA went ahead in as AHI and R had some talking to do.
Now my friend J had texted me earlier to let me know that her and JB had a couple of tickets waiting for me and AH I. So me and LA get to the gate and we were talking about how this was going to work as AH I and R were still talking and there was only tickets for me and AHI. The plan had been that me and AHI would get those tickets and R would pay for himself and LA but things got easier when LA and I ran into MS I. I totally wouldn't have noticed her if she hadn't run up to me to say hi and give me a hug. I made introductions between her and LA and she asked me if we needed passes. I said yes right away. With the two she gave me that left the two that J left me and AH I for AH I and R instead. So after telling MS I to watch out for AH I, LA and I walked into Pirate Fest. While we were walking up the first hill LA saw a stand that was selling little flower head pices that she wanted to get. Since she didn't have to use the money her mom gave her for passes she used some of it for that. She asked me to hold the money for her after that because she didn't have any pockets and knew it would be safe with me. So after that we walked up the hill a bit more and we decided to go check out this juggler that looked to be having a cool show. I must say he was quite impressive. Especially when he gopped on a ball and started juggling fire. while I was watching the juggler I messaged AH I and told her about the two remaining tickets and that she should only take two as the other two were for Team Rocket(lol). admittedly I didn't call them that in the text but it works for here.
So after watching the juggler LA and I started walcing around. I stopped over to the Drcosinister Blades booth as I'm friends with the man who runs it and I wanted to say hi to him. while we were then I ran into a couple more of my friends we chatted for a bit but they were on their way out so they didn't stay very long. After that LA and I started walking up the hill and were trying to decide where to go next when i saw my friend MO working booth. I just had to go say hi. Turns out she wasn't feeling too well but it was good to see her. my friend AO was also there and it was good to see her as I hadn't seen her in quite a while. I was glad that, for the most part, she's been doing pretty good and was happy. LA and myself were getting ready to leave that booth when AH I and R caught up with us.
We all started walking together going further in to Pirate Fest when AH I said that she had to go find our friends L & M so she can take engagement photos for them. LA wanted to watch some hoola hoop performers that were supposed to do a fire performance. Since I wanted to see more of my friends it was decided that I would continue to walk with AH I and LA would stay and watch the show with R.
As I'm walkiing with AH I, I saw my friend DZ which was good as I had something to give him another friend had asked me to hold on to until I saw him. so I gave that and waved/said hi to a couple other friends and moved on.
Now it's at this point that I'm going to gloss over a good section of the rest of Pirate Fest because a.) I'd been drinking for quite a bit and the buzz that had built up was pretty strong,and b.)not much really happened other than just hanging out with friends and having a good time. I did get a really cool picture of three people dressed as Doctor Who plus a young lady who looked like Amy Pond. The funny thing is that the girl wasn't actually with them. I came across them as she was telling them how cool their costumes were and I happened to notice that she was a red head who did kind of look like the actress who plays Amy Pond on the current run of Doctor Who. There was laughs. A few jokes about L's level of drunkness. A bunch of us was using it as an adjective and I think she was wanting it used as a verb lol. During this time I did run into my friend AP and me and her had an illuminating talk(at least on my end)which helps me decide how I'm going to proceed on certain things(more about that in a later post). So after the hanging around, laughing, joking, and a bit more drinking on my part; not to mention some cool pictures taken by my friend MS I of me looking like a Pirate Pimp, it was time to leave as we had to be at Dave 7 Buster's.
Day 1(Dave & Buster's)
The second half of my birthday celebration for that day was at Dave & Buster's. Now if you've never been there the best way I could describe it is that it's like Chuck 'E' Cheese for adults; minus the giant mouse plus the addition of alcohol. Now by this point I was considerably back in the sober range but still having fun. The plan was originally to get there at 6 but it took a little longer to leave Pirate Fest than expected so we didn't get there until 6:30 or so. A couple of people were a little miffed about it and that was understandable as I didn't call to inform them about my late status but that's mainly because my phone had died (I really need to get a new battery). Luckily though once I got there things were all cool. The first friend I ran into was my friend X and her son. i made sure to go say hi to her so that she wouldn't leave because of how late I was. The I saw my friend C who was there with her boyfriend. Waiting not too far inside was AH II and the people with her. I was very happy to see her there to help me celebrate my birthday. while I was saying hi to folks AH I and R was parking their car, it was agreed that since I was late I should do damage control and make sure everyone was still in a good mood. So we went to get seats and the lady in charge of that put us at this long table over by the bar which was big enough to fit most of us. Shortly after I sat down MF (the girl I've been seeing) came in and sat next to me. She looked very pretty and I was very happy to see her too. She sat next to me and we snuggled a bit because we were happy to see each other. Not long after my friends JH, G, and MS II came in. They gave me a gift bag full of stuff from Metropolis I'LL which made me very happy. If you don't know I'm a huge superman fan and it was really cool that they did that.
Ok, I'll admit that at this point I was starting to get a bit teary eyed. You see in all the years I've been in the St. Louis area having real friends is relatively new to me; so the fact that all of these people came to clebrate my birthday with me was really neat and made me feel extra special and loved. I know for some people that may not seem like a huge thing but it is to me. I tried to thank everyone for coming but I kept getting teary and choked up so I stopped. I think everyone got what I was trying to say.
Shortly after this Team Rocket(sorry guys but it's too cute) arrived we then all ordered food and it was quite good. I ordered myself a drink that was really tasty. My buzz from earlier didn't come back because I was sober again by this point and it would have taken more than that one to bring it back. While we were waiting on out food my friends RC and S showed up. They didn't order anything as they had gone to eat after leaving Fest and they came to hang out. It was a really good time and the food was great. I walked out with AH II to her car at one point because she had a book I had bought from her that she wanted to give me. I'll admit I could have waited in the restaurant for her to come back but I had something of an ulterior motive for going with her ;). While me and her were standing outside talking my friends RS and ES showed up. I had told them we all were done eating and we were going to be playing games. they said that's cool they were going to play games too but were also going to order food. I said cool, as there were tables in game area they could eat at. Later on I went with MF to her car to drop off my gifts and left-overs(also with an ulterior motive on my part lol). We came back inside and went to play some games. I loved that. I played some skee-ball with MF, got a group together to play a trivia game that they had. it was fantastic. As the evening went on folks started to leave telling me good by and wishing me a happy birthday. Overall that day was a fantastic day, it was the best birthday celebration I've had since I was a little kid.
Day 2
Monday September 26th 2011 was my actual birthday. I didn't really do much during the day. I did make a nice Logan's Run reference on my facebook and fetlife pages though. I spent most of the day relaxing, drinking, and watching the movies Tron and Tron: Legacy. I picked Tron because it is a movie from my childhood that I loved and it's about as old as I am.
Later on I did more celebrating when I went to The Crack Fox for my birthday. Now I didn't make this a party but I knew a lot ofmy friends were going to be there for a different event. As I was running low on money I only took about seven dollars with me. I figured I'd have one drink, hang with my friends, and just have a good time. it went even better than I expected. I had several drinks because the nice thing about going to a bar on your birthday(and letting people know that) is that folks want to buy you drinks to help you celebrate. I think the fact that it was my 30th made people want to help me celebrate it even more. I had gotten to the bar around 9:30 and there were a few people I knew already there that I was talking with, but the real good fun started around 11:00 or so when even more of my friends showed up.
My friends Team Rocket, P, RH,T, D, and AP helped me have a good time. After a couple of hours hanging out and having a few drinks it was time to go home. Now by this point I had been hitting on my friend AP for quite a bit and there was something I just had to do before I went home. So I told her I was getting ready to leave and asked her to step outside with me. Once we were outside I pulled her in and kissed her. If you ask me it was a pretty good kiss. I'm hoping she agrees as I plan to continue that at a later date. After that we exchanged numbers and I headed home.
So that's pretty much how my birthday went. I had a fantastic time and I can't believe haw lucky I am to have the life I do.
*The L in LA is not part of a name, it stands for Little.
Day 1(Pirate Fest)
The first day of my birthday celebration was September 25th 2011. It's one day before my birthday but it's also the day that most everyone I know and invited was(for the most part) off work. So the day started normal enough I got up ate some cereal and watched a bit of tv. The plan was for me to meet AH I at the Delmar Metrolink station as it was the easiest way for us to meet up to go to Pirate Fest.So I took a shower, got dressed in my Pirate Garb that I was going to wear for Fest, and headed out the door.I got to the Metrolink stop around 10:30 and went to the wrong end of the station. AH I called me to ask where I was and I walked down to the other end of the platform once I realized where she was. We left there and went to her place so that she could finish getting ready and we could wait on LA* and R. After everyone was ready we headed out to Wentzville for Pirate Fest. Stopped at Wendy's on the way to get food (yummy) and stayed on the highway the reast of the way. We got to Pirate Fest at about 12:30 or so. Me and LA went ahead in as AHI and R had some talking to do.
Now my friend J had texted me earlier to let me know that her and JB had a couple of tickets waiting for me and AH I. So me and LA get to the gate and we were talking about how this was going to work as AH I and R were still talking and there was only tickets for me and AHI. The plan had been that me and AHI would get those tickets and R would pay for himself and LA but things got easier when LA and I ran into MS I. I totally wouldn't have noticed her if she hadn't run up to me to say hi and give me a hug. I made introductions between her and LA and she asked me if we needed passes. I said yes right away. With the two she gave me that left the two that J left me and AH I for AH I and R instead. So after telling MS I to watch out for AH I, LA and I walked into Pirate Fest. While we were walking up the first hill LA saw a stand that was selling little flower head pices that she wanted to get. Since she didn't have to use the money her mom gave her for passes she used some of it for that. She asked me to hold the money for her after that because she didn't have any pockets and knew it would be safe with me. So after that we walked up the hill a bit more and we decided to go check out this juggler that looked to be having a cool show. I must say he was quite impressive. Especially when he gopped on a ball and started juggling fire. while I was watching the juggler I messaged AH I and told her about the two remaining tickets and that she should only take two as the other two were for Team Rocket(lol). admittedly I didn't call them that in the text but it works for here.
So after watching the juggler LA and I started walcing around. I stopped over to the Drcosinister Blades booth as I'm friends with the man who runs it and I wanted to say hi to him. while we were then I ran into a couple more of my friends we chatted for a bit but they were on their way out so they didn't stay very long. After that LA and I started walking up the hill and were trying to decide where to go next when i saw my friend MO working booth. I just had to go say hi. Turns out she wasn't feeling too well but it was good to see her. my friend AO was also there and it was good to see her as I hadn't seen her in quite a while. I was glad that, for the most part, she's been doing pretty good and was happy. LA and myself were getting ready to leave that booth when AH I and R caught up with us.
We all started walking together going further in to Pirate Fest when AH I said that she had to go find our friends L & M so she can take engagement photos for them. LA wanted to watch some hoola hoop performers that were supposed to do a fire performance. Since I wanted to see more of my friends it was decided that I would continue to walk with AH I and LA would stay and watch the show with R.
As I'm walkiing with AH I, I saw my friend DZ which was good as I had something to give him another friend had asked me to hold on to until I saw him. so I gave that and waved/said hi to a couple other friends and moved on.
Now it's at this point that I'm going to gloss over a good section of the rest of Pirate Fest because a.) I'd been drinking for quite a bit and the buzz that had built up was pretty strong,and b.)not much really happened other than just hanging out with friends and having a good time. I did get a really cool picture of three people dressed as Doctor Who plus a young lady who looked like Amy Pond. The funny thing is that the girl wasn't actually with them. I came across them as she was telling them how cool their costumes were and I happened to notice that she was a red head who did kind of look like the actress who plays Amy Pond on the current run of Doctor Who. There was laughs. A few jokes about L's level of drunkness. A bunch of us was using it as an adjective and I think she was wanting it used as a verb lol. During this time I did run into my friend AP and me and her had an illuminating talk(at least on my end)which helps me decide how I'm going to proceed on certain things(more about that in a later post). So after the hanging around, laughing, joking, and a bit more drinking on my part; not to mention some cool pictures taken by my friend MS I of me looking like a Pirate Pimp, it was time to leave as we had to be at Dave 7 Buster's.
Day 1(Dave & Buster's)
The second half of my birthday celebration for that day was at Dave & Buster's. Now if you've never been there the best way I could describe it is that it's like Chuck 'E' Cheese for adults; minus the giant mouse plus the addition of alcohol. Now by this point I was considerably back in the sober range but still having fun. The plan was originally to get there at 6 but it took a little longer to leave Pirate Fest than expected so we didn't get there until 6:30 or so. A couple of people were a little miffed about it and that was understandable as I didn't call to inform them about my late status but that's mainly because my phone had died (I really need to get a new battery). Luckily though once I got there things were all cool. The first friend I ran into was my friend X and her son. i made sure to go say hi to her so that she wouldn't leave because of how late I was. The I saw my friend C who was there with her boyfriend. Waiting not too far inside was AH II and the people with her. I was very happy to see her there to help me celebrate my birthday. while I was saying hi to folks AH I and R was parking their car, it was agreed that since I was late I should do damage control and make sure everyone was still in a good mood. So we went to get seats and the lady in charge of that put us at this long table over by the bar which was big enough to fit most of us. Shortly after I sat down MF (the girl I've been seeing) came in and sat next to me. She looked very pretty and I was very happy to see her too. She sat next to me and we snuggled a bit because we were happy to see each other. Not long after my friends JH, G, and MS II came in. They gave me a gift bag full of stuff from Metropolis I'LL which made me very happy. If you don't know I'm a huge superman fan and it was really cool that they did that.
Ok, I'll admit that at this point I was starting to get a bit teary eyed. You see in all the years I've been in the St. Louis area having real friends is relatively new to me; so the fact that all of these people came to clebrate my birthday with me was really neat and made me feel extra special and loved. I know for some people that may not seem like a huge thing but it is to me. I tried to thank everyone for coming but I kept getting teary and choked up so I stopped. I think everyone got what I was trying to say.
Shortly after this Team Rocket(sorry guys but it's too cute) arrived we then all ordered food and it was quite good. I ordered myself a drink that was really tasty. My buzz from earlier didn't come back because I was sober again by this point and it would have taken more than that one to bring it back. While we were waiting on out food my friends RC and S showed up. They didn't order anything as they had gone to eat after leaving Fest and they came to hang out. It was a really good time and the food was great. I walked out with AH II to her car at one point because she had a book I had bought from her that she wanted to give me. I'll admit I could have waited in the restaurant for her to come back but I had something of an ulterior motive for going with her ;). While me and her were standing outside talking my friends RS and ES showed up. I had told them we all were done eating and we were going to be playing games. they said that's cool they were going to play games too but were also going to order food. I said cool, as there were tables in game area they could eat at. Later on I went with MF to her car to drop off my gifts and left-overs(also with an ulterior motive on my part lol). We came back inside and went to play some games. I loved that. I played some skee-ball with MF, got a group together to play a trivia game that they had. it was fantastic. As the evening went on folks started to leave telling me good by and wishing me a happy birthday. Overall that day was a fantastic day, it was the best birthday celebration I've had since I was a little kid.
Day 2
Monday September 26th 2011 was my actual birthday. I didn't really do much during the day. I did make a nice Logan's Run reference on my facebook and fetlife pages though. I spent most of the day relaxing, drinking, and watching the movies Tron and Tron: Legacy. I picked Tron because it is a movie from my childhood that I loved and it's about as old as I am.
Later on I did more celebrating when I went to The Crack Fox for my birthday. Now I didn't make this a party but I knew a lot ofmy friends were going to be there for a different event. As I was running low on money I only took about seven dollars with me. I figured I'd have one drink, hang with my friends, and just have a good time. it went even better than I expected. I had several drinks because the nice thing about going to a bar on your birthday(and letting people know that) is that folks want to buy you drinks to help you celebrate. I think the fact that it was my 30th made people want to help me celebrate it even more. I had gotten to the bar around 9:30 and there were a few people I knew already there that I was talking with, but the real good fun started around 11:00 or so when even more of my friends showed up.
My friends Team Rocket, P, RH,T, D, and AP helped me have a good time. After a couple of hours hanging out and having a few drinks it was time to go home. Now by this point I had been hitting on my friend AP for quite a bit and there was something I just had to do before I went home. So I told her I was getting ready to leave and asked her to step outside with me. Once we were outside I pulled her in and kissed her. If you ask me it was a pretty good kiss. I'm hoping she agrees as I plan to continue that at a later date. After that we exchanged numbers and I headed home.
So that's pretty much how my birthday went. I had a fantastic time and I can't believe haw lucky I am to have the life I do.
*The L in LA is not part of a name, it stands for Little.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Random update
I'm sitting here bored at work and I realized I hadn't posted anything in a while(ok three weeks but it feels like it's been a while) so this is just a random blog. Let's see, well since my last post things have been going pretty well for me. The move into my new apartment went fantastically. I hired the moving company Two Men and a Truck to move my furniture and they did a great job. They showed up around 10:30 in the morning and the entire move was done in an hour. The guys who moved my stuff were pretty cool and were quite happy the move didn't take long. As a matter of fact one guy joked that it was so easy they should pay me(they didn't of course lol). I had planned to invite some friends over to hang out with me at my building's pool as the next day was labor day and they would be closing the pool after that; unfortunatly the weather gods decided not to cooperate and made it a cold and rainy day. So with that and, suprisingly, being tired from the stuff I moved by myself before the movers came I was wound up cancelling having people come over. I really do need to rechedule that.
About a week before the move I went to a party that was being thrown by my friends D & B. I had a great time; got to see and hang with good friends(some I hadn't seen in a while), got to know one friend just a bit better ;). I can't wait until the next party they throw.
It's funny that I mention those two things as they are sort of connected. Not really but on the same day that I moved into my new place I had a date with M, the friend I "connected" with at the party. After that I figured asking her out couldn't hurt. Well the date went pretty well. We went out to dinner and had good conversation to go with our really good food. It was different going out with someone I'd been running into for a couple of years. While we didn't really "know" each other we weren't strangers either. There was no pressure, I didn't feel the need to act like I had to impress her. I was able to be my relaxed self and didn't feel nervous at all which worked to my favor. We ended the night with a kiss and went our seperate ways but with plans to get together again soon. It's been about two weeks and I think things are going pretty well. I enjoy her company and she's said she enjoys mine too. It's nice to be dating someone where there is no pressure and things just feel relaxed.
I also recently got to be a part of Charolette Time's(stage name of course) first official burlesque performance, it was fantastic. She had asked me earlier in the week if I would be up for helping and I said of course. How could I not; she's really attractive, has an awesome personality, and if I thought I was her type I'd totally ask her out lol. Her performance was part of Subversion, which is a local awesome monthly event I go to, which had a country theme(it had a specific name but I suck at remembering it). The plan was that at one point she would point to me, have me come on stage, do some dancing and then kick me off. It went perfectly. I had a great time and friends who were there were telling me how cool that was; so I had a huge grin on my face for the rest of the night. Read her blog here, http://thelifeandcharlottetimes.com/, to see her post about it.
So all in all I've been having a great time making new friends, getting better connected with the ones I've already known for a bit. Next weekend is my birthday weekend. I'll be turning 30 on Monday September 26th. From what's planned, things are already looking to be great. So unless something huge happens between now and then, that is what my next post will be about.
About a week before the move I went to a party that was being thrown by my friends D & B. I had a great time; got to see and hang with good friends(some I hadn't seen in a while), got to know one friend just a bit better ;). I can't wait until the next party they throw.
It's funny that I mention those two things as they are sort of connected. Not really but on the same day that I moved into my new place I had a date with M, the friend I "connected" with at the party. After that I figured asking her out couldn't hurt. Well the date went pretty well. We went out to dinner and had good conversation to go with our really good food. It was different going out with someone I'd been running into for a couple of years. While we didn't really "know" each other we weren't strangers either. There was no pressure, I didn't feel the need to act like I had to impress her. I was able to be my relaxed self and didn't feel nervous at all which worked to my favor. We ended the night with a kiss and went our seperate ways but with plans to get together again soon. It's been about two weeks and I think things are going pretty well. I enjoy her company and she's said she enjoys mine too. It's nice to be dating someone where there is no pressure and things just feel relaxed.
I also recently got to be a part of Charolette Time's(stage name of course) first official burlesque performance, it was fantastic. She had asked me earlier in the week if I would be up for helping and I said of course. How could I not; she's really attractive, has an awesome personality, and if I thought I was her type I'd totally ask her out lol. Her performance was part of Subversion, which is a local awesome monthly event I go to, which had a country theme(it had a specific name but I suck at remembering it). The plan was that at one point she would point to me, have me come on stage, do some dancing and then kick me off. It went perfectly. I had a great time and friends who were there were telling me how cool that was; so I had a huge grin on my face for the rest of the night. Read her blog here, http://thelifeandcharlottetimes.com/, to see her post about it.
So all in all I've been having a great time making new friends, getting better connected with the ones I've already known for a bit. Next weekend is my birthday weekend. I'll be turning 30 on Monday September 26th. From what's planned, things are already looking to be great. So unless something huge happens between now and then, that is what my next post will be about.
Friday, August 26, 2011
Happy,
That's what I've been feeling lately. The last couple of weeks have been pretty good. On the 14th I went with my girl* C and saw Debbie Does Dallas:The Musical. It was a bery fun play, we laughed our asses off through the whole thing. I also thought it was really cool that someone I know was a cast member. I would have stopped and said hi after the show, but had to go before she came out of the dressing room. We had dinner before the play and had a chance to catch up as we hadn't seen each other in a while. It was a pretty good evening. On the 20th I saw A(another of my girls*) and we had a pretty good night with each other hanging at Rue 13(my favorite sushi bar). While we were out we hung out for a few minutes with our friend AH and her guy and chatted. A and AH pointed out that it might be a good idea to schedule my birthday party at Dave & Buster's a bit earlier so that me and those who attend would have more time to enjoy the evening and to allow those who might have to leave early time to come, enjoy my company, and leave early if they need to. so AH and her guy left and me and A hung out at Rue for a while longer just talking and having a good time. By the way I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing more heart warming than having someone you care about fall asleep in your arms. On the 23rd I was able to hang with my best friend who I hadn't seen in far too long. We weren't able to hang out for long but the little bit of time we did hang out was fun and we had some laughs and caught up with each other. On the 24th I went over to my girl* M's house. We had a very fun night. We talked and caught up, among other things. I had to get up extra early and head home in the morning only because I had to work and had quite a ways to travel. That was more of a last minute planned thing, otherwise I would have been better pre
This last week or so made me realize a couple things: 1.) My definition of love was way too ridgid and had been causing me really stupid angst for a long time, 2.) I fealize that I am loved. Not only in the romatic sense either (although that is a pleasant bonus). It occurs to me that I've had my head up my ass for quite a while now; now that I've pulled it out I've realized the world is a brighter place than I realized.
So I'll be moving into a new apartment next week, I'm looking forward to it. It's been three years since I lived by myself and it will be nice to get back to that. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed the last three years at my current place I just miss living by myself. My new place is going to be several blocks from my current one and I'll be on the 21st floor. I decided to get movers to move my furniture and stuff for me. I've had some friends offer to help me move which is really awesome but(at least this time) I've decided to be lazy and let someone else do all the work. I'll probably throw some sort of house warming party once I'm settled in and am confortable in my place.
I've also been making some new friends lately, which has been really cool. I even apeared in one's blog. In my opinion that is way awesome because to me that means I've become someone worth mentioning lol. I like making new friends and getting to know people; it's part of the reason I've felt these last 4 years have been amazing.
Right now I am enjoying life and feeling very happy. I don't know how long it will last but I plan on riding this wave for as long as it does.
*when I say "my girl" I mean one of my lovers. They are very important to me and when I mention them, I figure that makes it easier to have it come across who I'm refering to. Also I feel saying "My lover so and so" sounds really abnoxious and would rather just say "My girl" instead.*
This last week or so made me realize a couple things: 1.) My definition of love was way too ridgid and had been causing me really stupid angst for a long time, 2.) I fealize that I am loved. Not only in the romatic sense either (although that is a pleasant bonus). It occurs to me that I've had my head up my ass for quite a while now; now that I've pulled it out I've realized the world is a brighter place than I realized.
So I'll be moving into a new apartment next week, I'm looking forward to it. It's been three years since I lived by myself and it will be nice to get back to that. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed the last three years at my current place I just miss living by myself. My new place is going to be several blocks from my current one and I'll be on the 21st floor. I decided to get movers to move my furniture and stuff for me. I've had some friends offer to help me move which is really awesome but(at least this time) I've decided to be lazy and let someone else do all the work. I'll probably throw some sort of house warming party once I'm settled in and am confortable in my place.
I've also been making some new friends lately, which has been really cool. I even apeared in one's blog. In my opinion that is way awesome because to me that means I've become someone worth mentioning lol. I like making new friends and getting to know people; it's part of the reason I've felt these last 4 years have been amazing.
Right now I am enjoying life and feeling very happy. I don't know how long it will last but I plan on riding this wave for as long as it does.
*when I say "my girl" I mean one of my lovers. They are very important to me and when I mention them, I figure that makes it easier to have it come across who I'm refering to. Also I feel saying "My lover so and so" sounds really abnoxious and would rather just say "My girl" instead.*
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Attractive
Before I get into the meat of this let me start off by saying that if you are one of the friends this is sort of directed to, I consider you a good friend and always enjoy hanging out with you and I definetly hope you don't take this blog badly. Now, with that said(and I mean no disrespect when I say this):
FUCK YOU!!
I am really getting tired of the joke that folks like to say to me in regards of who I find attractive/date/fuck about how I like anything with a pulse that moves. Yes, I admit that I find a lot of women attractive. Tall, short, slender, bigger, large breasted, small breasted, whatever; I find women attractive. I don't really care if you agree with who I find attractive, because in all honesty it isn't for you. It's for me. Everyone has different things they find attractive in a person. There are things I'll find attractive in one person that I might not find attractive in another. If I point out to you a woman I think is cute/hot/fuckable I'm not doing it for you to approve, I'm doing it to express my opinion of what I find attractive. I get the fact that you might disagree with my opinion but unless you are planning on (if you are male) finding me someone or (if you are female) fucking/dating me yourself I don't need to hear it. If I only dated someone based on whether you found them attractive rather than what I thought I'd hardly be with anyone. I also acknowledge that I'm not the hottest guy in the world so not all the women I find attractive will find me attractive but I don't care. That doesn't change my opinion or my willingness to express it. I would hope that as my friend(s) you would at the very least accept that I like someone, even if you don't agree. There is a saying that "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one"; well I prefer "Opinions are like genitals, you can share them with whoever you want but in the end they belong to you." So while I appreciate the fact that you might disagree with my choices/opinions on who I find attractive I don't appreciate you feeling the need to act as if I should not like what I like because you don't.
That's all I wanted to say really. Admittedly in the grand scheme of things in life this isn't a super important thing but it's something that I just needed to get off my chest.
FUCK YOU!!
I am really getting tired of the joke that folks like to say to me in regards of who I find attractive/date/fuck about how I like anything with a pulse that moves. Yes, I admit that I find a lot of women attractive. Tall, short, slender, bigger, large breasted, small breasted, whatever; I find women attractive. I don't really care if you agree with who I find attractive, because in all honesty it isn't for you. It's for me. Everyone has different things they find attractive in a person. There are things I'll find attractive in one person that I might not find attractive in another. If I point out to you a woman I think is cute/hot/fuckable I'm not doing it for you to approve, I'm doing it to express my opinion of what I find attractive. I get the fact that you might disagree with my opinion but unless you are planning on (if you are male) finding me someone or (if you are female) fucking/dating me yourself I don't need to hear it. If I only dated someone based on whether you found them attractive rather than what I thought I'd hardly be with anyone. I also acknowledge that I'm not the hottest guy in the world so not all the women I find attractive will find me attractive but I don't care. That doesn't change my opinion or my willingness to express it. I would hope that as my friend(s) you would at the very least accept that I like someone, even if you don't agree. There is a saying that "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one"; well I prefer "Opinions are like genitals, you can share them with whoever you want but in the end they belong to you." So while I appreciate the fact that you might disagree with my choices/opinions on who I find attractive I don't appreciate you feeling the need to act as if I should not like what I like because you don't.
That's all I wanted to say really. Admittedly in the grand scheme of things in life this isn't a super important thing but it's something that I just needed to get off my chest.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Me and Polyamory
It's amazing how a lover can point something out to you that you've been avoiding even if you didn't realize you had been. So for a long time now (about a year or two) I've been thinking about Polyamory and how it relates to me. For the longest time I've been saying that it's not my thing and that I couldn't handle it. After some things said to me in a conversation I was in Saturday and talking to her last night I realized I've been running from the idea for a while. "Honey, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're poly" That one sentence put a lot of things in perspective. As some of my friends know I've been talking about poly for a while now and asking questions wondering what I'm missing about the whole thing trying to understand. If I'm honest with myself I was really hoping for some simple answer. To be fair, there is no such thing. The main reason she said that to me is that:
1.) I currently have three lovers that I get together with on occasion two of whom are poly themselves and one who is ok with me having other relationships.
2.) With the exceptions of a few times I've not actually been monogamous(the women I have been monogamous with are still in my fb friend's list though)
3.) As much as I would say I couldn't handle it, as long as I was aware of it upfront I actually have had no problems with it.
Honestly, she wasn't the first person to have ever suggested that to me over the last couple of years but she is the first to make me realize what I had been doing. I can't put my finger on the reasons why I've been trying to run from the idea of poly. Maybe it's because of sociaty, maybe it's because I tend to be stubborn, or it could even be that I've always had an idea in my head of what relationship I'd have and that does not fit. Then again (and this is the real reason) it could be all three. You know it's amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself. I guess it's because of all the people we know in life the one person we want to trust more than anyone is ourselves. Of course that's the one person we shouldn't trust.
One of the hurdles I've always claimed I had was jealousy, if I'm honest with myself in reality it's envy. Admittedly it is a thin line between the two, but there it is. I've always been envious of my friends who seem so happy in their relationships and I've wanted that happiness for myself for a long time. I've always tried to tell myself that I was going to find one person that would be everything to me as far as a relationship goes and in all honesty that is pretty much impossible. No one person can be everything to someone. As one or two people I've been involved with in the past have told me, there is no way anyone can actually live up to that sort of pressure. Hell, I can't even live up to that sort of pressure. I've come to realize that it is impossible for me to be someone's everything as I've come to realize, I don't want to be. The thought that it was what I wanted goes back to believing that that's what I was supposed to want. While I do believe that I can find true love I also realize that a.) I fall in love rather easily, b.) I'm ok with someone I'm with having other partners as long as they are upfront about it, and c.) I've got to stop confusing jealousy with envy.
Now while I'm able to admit this to myself(and I guess the world now) I'm not going to just start trying to form a relationship with any and every woman I can. I'm not ready for that at all. However, when I am ready to start dating or looking for a relationship again I'll be honest about this upfront. Both with myself and a potential partner. Does this mean I'm going to look for more than one partner when I start dating again; no, but I also won't be so closed off to the possibility of being involved with more than one person.
I realize this seems like a big backpedal or contradiction after one of the posts I made a couple of months back but looking back I realize I was ok with it then and I just used it as an excuse for not feeling as strong as I thought I should have felt.
As I said at the beginning of this post, it's amazing how a lover can make you realize something about yourself you didn't want to admit before. It's funny how admitting this has made me feel a lot better about my relationship past as well as be a bit less stressed about my relationship future. Alright, well I'm off to bed as I'm getting sleepy. All of this introspection is tiring after all.
1.) I currently have three lovers that I get together with on occasion two of whom are poly themselves and one who is ok with me having other relationships.
2.) With the exceptions of a few times I've not actually been monogamous(the women I have been monogamous with are still in my fb friend's list though)
3.) As much as I would say I couldn't handle it, as long as I was aware of it upfront I actually have had no problems with it.
Honestly, she wasn't the first person to have ever suggested that to me over the last couple of years but she is the first to make me realize what I had been doing. I can't put my finger on the reasons why I've been trying to run from the idea of poly. Maybe it's because of sociaty, maybe it's because I tend to be stubborn, or it could even be that I've always had an idea in my head of what relationship I'd have and that does not fit. Then again (and this is the real reason) it could be all three. You know it's amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself. I guess it's because of all the people we know in life the one person we want to trust more than anyone is ourselves. Of course that's the one person we shouldn't trust.
One of the hurdles I've always claimed I had was jealousy, if I'm honest with myself in reality it's envy. Admittedly it is a thin line between the two, but there it is. I've always been envious of my friends who seem so happy in their relationships and I've wanted that happiness for myself for a long time. I've always tried to tell myself that I was going to find one person that would be everything to me as far as a relationship goes and in all honesty that is pretty much impossible. No one person can be everything to someone. As one or two people I've been involved with in the past have told me, there is no way anyone can actually live up to that sort of pressure. Hell, I can't even live up to that sort of pressure. I've come to realize that it is impossible for me to be someone's everything as I've come to realize, I don't want to be. The thought that it was what I wanted goes back to believing that that's what I was supposed to want. While I do believe that I can find true love I also realize that a.) I fall in love rather easily, b.) I'm ok with someone I'm with having other partners as long as they are upfront about it, and c.) I've got to stop confusing jealousy with envy.
Now while I'm able to admit this to myself(and I guess the world now) I'm not going to just start trying to form a relationship with any and every woman I can. I'm not ready for that at all. However, when I am ready to start dating or looking for a relationship again I'll be honest about this upfront. Both with myself and a potential partner. Does this mean I'm going to look for more than one partner when I start dating again; no, but I also won't be so closed off to the possibility of being involved with more than one person.
I realize this seems like a big backpedal or contradiction after one of the posts I made a couple of months back but looking back I realize I was ok with it then and I just used it as an excuse for not feeling as strong as I thought I should have felt.
As I said at the beginning of this post, it's amazing how a lover can make you realize something about yourself you didn't want to admit before. It's funny how admitting this has made me feel a lot better about my relationship past as well as be a bit less stressed about my relationship future. Alright, well I'm off to bed as I'm getting sleepy. All of this introspection is tiring after all.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thoughts
Before I type this let me admit I'm rather drunk waiting on food at the moment.
Why the hell can't life be as easy as we want it to be. If it was up to me I'd be happy in a relationship enjoying someone's company hanging out with my friends and having a good time. Instead I'm doing the same things single which is very fun, but there are times where I wouldn't mind having someone to share it all with. Mind you this is not a depressed "Woe is me" sort of thing but more of a simple observation. I'm fast approaching 30 (two more months to be exact) and the fact that a lot of my friends who are younger than me are either in happy realtionships or planning marriages kind of makes me long for the same thing. I'll admit I tend to think about this a tad more when I'm drunk as opposed to when I'm sober. Why can't fining that special someone be as easy as everyone I know makes it seem. I don't know a single person who's story goes "After more than a decade of looking I finally found 'the one'" that would go a long way to making me feel a bit better about my single status. One thing I've come to realize is that I don't think I want kids of my own. Step kids are fine but I'm not really interested in having my own little rugrats running around that I may have to try and keep up with. Ok, post done. I'm sure my food will be ready soon and then I'll go home, eat , and then sleep. Night all have a good one :-)
Why the hell can't life be as easy as we want it to be. If it was up to me I'd be happy in a relationship enjoying someone's company hanging out with my friends and having a good time. Instead I'm doing the same things single which is very fun, but there are times where I wouldn't mind having someone to share it all with. Mind you this is not a depressed "Woe is me" sort of thing but more of a simple observation. I'm fast approaching 30 (two more months to be exact) and the fact that a lot of my friends who are younger than me are either in happy realtionships or planning marriages kind of makes me long for the same thing. I'll admit I tend to think about this a tad more when I'm drunk as opposed to when I'm sober. Why can't fining that special someone be as easy as everyone I know makes it seem. I don't know a single person who's story goes "After more than a decade of looking I finally found 'the one'" that would go a long way to making me feel a bit better about my single status. One thing I've come to realize is that I don't think I want kids of my own. Step kids are fine but I'm not really interested in having my own little rugrats running around that I may have to try and keep up with. Ok, post done. I'm sure my food will be ready soon and then I'll go home, eat , and then sleep. Night all have a good one :-)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)