Before I type this let me admit I'm rather drunk waiting on food at the moment.
Why the hell can't life be as easy as we want it to be. If it was up to me I'd be happy in a relationship enjoying someone's company hanging out with my friends and having a good time. Instead I'm doing the same things single which is very fun, but there are times where I wouldn't mind having someone to share it all with. Mind you this is not a depressed "Woe is me" sort of thing but more of a simple observation. I'm fast approaching 30 (two more months to be exact) and the fact that a lot of my friends who are younger than me are either in happy realtionships or planning marriages kind of makes me long for the same thing. I'll admit I tend to think about this a tad more when I'm drunk as opposed to when I'm sober. Why can't fining that special someone be as easy as everyone I know makes it seem. I don't know a single person who's story goes "After more than a decade of looking I finally found 'the one'" that would go a long way to making me feel a bit better about my single status. One thing I've come to realize is that I don't think I want kids of my own. Step kids are fine but I'm not really interested in having my own little rugrats running around that I may have to try and keep up with. Ok, post done. I'm sure my food will be ready soon and then I'll go home, eat , and then sleep. Night all have a good one :-)
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
It seems I'm not a Vulcan after all
I like to think that I have a good handle on my emotions and how I react to stuff. Unfortunatly I've come to realize that as much as I want to I can't seem to control them. I always seem to find myself at one end of the spectrum or another. Either I don't feel as much as I should or I feel way too much too fast. Most times it doesn't cause any problems but when it comes to relationships I'll be dating someone (or starting to anyway) and I'll either not feel enough or fall head over heels for them, without any real transition in between. A friend who I was intimate with once told me that when I seem to fall head over heels for someone it can be intimadating because apparently it makes someone feel inadequate when they don't feel as strongly. They then feel bad because they feel responsible for my emotional state. I wish I could say that I knew why that happens but I can't. I sometimes feel like a frakking teenager, which sucks. One thing that sometimes bothers me is how quickly some of my emotions can switch off. All it will take is one action, sometimes even one word, and they'll shut off as if they never were. It makes me wish I had better control of them but writing this I realize that may be the problem. I spend so much time trying to control what I feel and when I feel it that I've possibly thrown myself off somehow. I realize I've frustrated some friends in conversations talking about how stuff people do sometimes confound me because there seems to be no logic in it. I've heard more than once "You can't always look at things logically", and I've argued that you can; but part of that is due to me trying too hard to control my emotions. Maybe I should learn to let some of that control go. Maybe if I do I'll find a much better balance within myself. I don't know, I might be weird or I might just be an average guy who is putting far too much thought into who he is and how he thinks and acts. Either way I hope I can reach a point where I'm not either ruled by my emotions or block them off completely. I will say though, that I'm glad for the friends I have who accept who I am regardless of how I might annoy them. They've gone a long way towards helping realize things about myself even if they don't realize how much of a help they've been. Well I'm done talking for now. Back to internalizing and spending too much time thinking about stuff.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Dumped
So on Wednesday July 13th 2011 at 1 pm I got dumped by my girlfriend. It was done while I was at work and through text message. I've got to say that really sucked. From my perspective this came out of nowhere. There was no fight, no big disagreement that led to it. We had just seen each other that morning and went to breakfast together as a matter of fact. She said she realized she wasn't as ready as she thought she was, which sounds a lot like "It's not you, it's me" to me. The worst part is as hurt and saddened by it I am I'm not angry. I really did care about her and saw a future with her in my life. If she called me tomorrow and said she wanted to get back together I'm not entirely sure I would turn her down. Most times when a relationship I'm in ends I can usually point to a reason, one that makes sense; but I can't see any real reason for it. The worse thing is the next day I see her add a guy as a friend on one of the social sites we share and I can't help but wonder if she really broke up with me because she is interested in that guy. It's possible that my mind is just grasping for some way to make sense of it, which is why I haven't gone all psyhco and messaged her asking who that guy is and accusing her of just being a coward and not being honest with me about her reasons. I know some people would say that a month is not really that long to be feeling so bad about a break up but I don't care how long it has been when you've formed a strong emotional connection with someone it still hurts. Ironically enough I had just gotten to the point where I didn't really care if I met anyone and was ready to delete my okcupid profile when she messaged me telling me that she liked my profile and was interested in getting to know me. Looking at the whole thing I can't help but feel like I was the test subject for an experiment to see if she could handle being in a full fledged relationship. I mean she messaged me first, she was the one who suggested us being bf/gf, and while I was the first to throw out the L word she seemed to feel the same and had no problem saying it too me. So I kind of feel like I was her equvalent to dipping her toes into the water to see if she was ready to jump in. I know it's probably irrational to think those things but I feel I'm allowed a little bit of irrationality at the moment. I have realized though that my ability to bounce back from heartache has improved. It probably helped that a good friend of mine MS went out with me and listened to me talk while I got drunk. I don't care what anyone says alcohol does do a good job of helping you feel better when bad shit happens in your life. So I'm back into the single world and am ok with it. I guess it was good I had finally reached the "I'm ok with being single" point before meeting her because I don't feel the need to reactivate my okcupid profile. I had deactivated it around the same time she deactivated hers thinking this was it and I was done lol. What I do plan on doing though is just living my life and enjoying myself. I'm going to party with some friends tonight, see Harry Potter this weekend, and try to go to a burlesque show next week where some friends of mine will be performing. If I meet someone new somewhere down the road cool, but for right now I'm not going to look for a relationship. Although I will say I could use a good fuck, after all, that works way better than alcohol in making somebody feel better about bad stuff.
There has been at least one good thing though. Actually it's seperate from the whole break-up thing. I got approved for a new apartment that I'll be moving into on the first of September. I like the building it's in. It's a one bedroom apartment in a high rise downtown that has a rooftop pool. That's actually my favorite part lol, with the way this summer has been I'm sure it will still be rediculously hot when I move so I'm totally looking forward to jumping in the pool. The only downside to this place is that fact that I've got to go back to paying to do my laundry. I haven't had to do that since my first apartment building. Looks like I'll have to make sure to keep some change around. I've had a few friends offer to help me move which I think is really cool and appreciate but I'm going to go the lazy route on this one and hire some movers. I'm doing that because I don't want to have to do any moving of the furniture myself. Like I said, the lazy route lol.
So was I hurt by the situation yes, am I going to let it keep me down, no. I do believe her when she says that she wasn't ready for things despite my bouts of irrationality and I hope that I'm wrong on that whole "dumped me to be with someone else" thought that's in the back of my head at the moment. Overall, I'll be fine, I'm still aliive after all. Which is probably good because I'm pretty sure I'd lose some friends if I were a zombie. Apparently people don't want to spend eternity as an undead rotting corpse that does nothing but eat flesh. Ironically enough though, spending eternity as a perfectly preserved undead corpse that drinks blood and can't go out into the sun is just fine though. ;) lol. Alright well my shift is about to start at work so let me get that over with so I can go hang out with friends, get drunk, and watch some hotties wrestle in olive oil. Ok, that sentence right there is one of the reasons that despite getting dumped I still love my life :-)
There has been at least one good thing though. Actually it's seperate from the whole break-up thing. I got approved for a new apartment that I'll be moving into on the first of September. I like the building it's in. It's a one bedroom apartment in a high rise downtown that has a rooftop pool. That's actually my favorite part lol, with the way this summer has been I'm sure it will still be rediculously hot when I move so I'm totally looking forward to jumping in the pool. The only downside to this place is that fact that I've got to go back to paying to do my laundry. I haven't had to do that since my first apartment building. Looks like I'll have to make sure to keep some change around. I've had a few friends offer to help me move which I think is really cool and appreciate but I'm going to go the lazy route on this one and hire some movers. I'm doing that because I don't want to have to do any moving of the furniture myself. Like I said, the lazy route lol.
So was I hurt by the situation yes, am I going to let it keep me down, no. I do believe her when she says that she wasn't ready for things despite my bouts of irrationality and I hope that I'm wrong on that whole "dumped me to be with someone else" thought that's in the back of my head at the moment. Overall, I'll be fine, I'm still aliive after all. Which is probably good because I'm pretty sure I'd lose some friends if I were a zombie. Apparently people don't want to spend eternity as an undead rotting corpse that does nothing but eat flesh. Ironically enough though, spending eternity as a perfectly preserved undead corpse that drinks blood and can't go out into the sun is just fine though. ;) lol. Alright well my shift is about to start at work so let me get that over with so I can go hang out with friends, get drunk, and watch some hotties wrestle in olive oil. Ok, that sentence right there is one of the reasons that despite getting dumped I still love my life :-)
Friday, June 3, 2011
St. Louis Ren Faire
So this past Monday, for the first time, I went to the St. Louis Ren Faire. I must say I had a blast. I rode out there with my friends J and R and got there a little after 12. After walking down the hill we got to the area where it was being held and it was like walking into another world(well more like another time to be honest lol). As soon as I walked in I already started seeing people I know. You see I have a bunch of friends who actually work the Faire. As a matter of fact all but a few of them do.
The first booth I stopped at was the booth for Dracosinister Blades. I know the man who runs it and I always like looking at what he has for sale. While I was there I said hi, shot the shit a bit, talked about the party that's being held in July that I plan to attend. I soon noticed that J and R was walking to a different spot and left to catch up with them. I rode with them after all and didn't want to get left behind. We walked up the hill stopping to say hi to folks here and there; when we decided to check the schedule to see what all was planned. We happened to notice that the band Musical Blades was going to be playing soon so we decided to head that way.
Let me stop for a second to mention that there was this really cute mime that stopped us as we were walking up the hill. It took me a minute to realize it but she was telling us that J was beautiful(no argument here) and that either R or myself should buy her a rose. I've got to say that that mime was so cute I wanted to take her somewhere and see if I could get her to make a sound or two ;). So back to the blog post.....
On the way to watch Musical Blades we happened to stop and watch a guy doing a show, pretty much caught the tail end of it but it was still cool as he was on a tightrope juggling torches. While I was standing there I happened to notice my friend MO's booth. I decided to go over and say hi because she's cool and I always enjoy hanging with her. She happened to be a bit on the tired side but still good company. We chatted for a bit before me, J, and R headed towards the show. After a while we noticed that it was close to show time so we moved a bit faster to get there.
It was a really good show. I'd seen these guys perform at The Crack Fox before for Subversion: Pirate Booty Edition and I really like their stuff. This show was exceptionally good because for this first show there wasn't a lot of people there so they decided to perform it right where the audience was instead of on the stage I have to say that that was really cool. It didn't hurt that I was in the next aisle enjoying the show. While we were sitting there we were enjoying a skin of mead that J and R had brought(J had the mead and R had the wineskin). Not long into the performance our friend AH came over and joined us. AH is pretty cool. I've hung out with her on several occasions and have always had a good time, today was no exception. We shared the mead with her and she pretty much joined us as we walked around Faire.
So after the show we decided to go check out the jousting on our way there J was approached by a woman who is a fan of hers(J happens to be a performer) it was really fun to watch as it was a total fangirl. Me and R joked about how we felt like we were hanging with a famous person and how we wanted our own fangirls.
Right before getting to the joust I happened to see my friend MS, who also happened to be working Faire.I decided to go say hi and she proceeds to give me a hug after having just gotten soaked with water to help her cool off. I had just seen her get wet so I shouldn't have been surprised. It was pretty funny. I will say having my shirt wet felt pretty good because it was a nice sunny day that was getting pretty hot. As we were talking MS noticed that I didn't have a hat on. She admonished me for not taking precautions to keep myself cool in the heat. So she wets a scarf and gives it to me to wear. I tried to argue but I've learned over the years not to for too long. To be fair it was a good thing I gave in because that wet scarf on my head did a pretty good job of keeping me cool for a while. Not long after that she had to take off as she was working and I couldn't keep her for too long. Luckily the joust are was right there so I didn't have to go far.
The joust was pretty fun to watch. I wound up cheering for the English guy as his opponent was a French guy(the setting for the Ren Faire was 16th century France after all). It was very fun to watch especially the actual jousting. I had tried to take some pictures of the moments when they clashed but unfortunatly my phone had a slight delay and I always missed it by a couple of seconds. So after the joust was done I went to find J, R, and AH who were standing over by a tree. I was curious as to why they moved and they told me about this asshat who got a bug up his butt because J happended to say crotch near his kid. We were getting ready to leave the joust when we noticed CM stanging nearby. He was selling pickles and we decide to go say hi. I forgot who mentioned it first but there was talk about how another friend of ours, AO, could suck the inside out of a pickle. I bought the first pickle and thus begins the hunt to find a straw and AO.
J, myself, and R were so interested in seeing this the first thing we did was go hunt for a straw as one was needed to make this stunt happen. On the way we ran into more people we know. I stopped at another weapons shop and wound up buying this dagger that I thought looked really cool. We eventually made our way back to the booth where MO was and guess who was there but AO so we told her how we wanted to see the pickle thing but it turns out the pickle we had was too small. We were ready to give up on this when lucky us CM happened to show up with his bucket of pickles. It was on now. So a straw was produced and AO proceeded to try and suck the inside out of the pickle. Unfortunatly it didn't quite work out as the second pickle that got picked wasn't big enough either. While we were standing there laughing and talking I noticed someone was selling roses. I decided to buy three of them and Gave one to MO, one to AO, and one to J. I must say, big beautiful cleavage is a perfect place to hold a rose lol. It was definetly a gorgeous site :). While standing there I noticed MS had shown up and I went and chatted with her some more as we hadn't hung out in a while and it gave us a chance to catch up.
Not too much later we decided it was time for food as we had been drinking for a bit and had gotten hungry. On the way to food though we became distracted by belly dancers; three of them with my favorite being the tall, busty , brunette who looked stunning. After the belly dancers there was a guy who twirled fire. He was cool but the one I thought was the most entertaining was another friend of mine S. She was performing her own fire performance that was funny and cool. I even got added as part of the show. She used me as the unknown "member of the audience"(doubt anyone bought it but I think that was the idea lol). It was really cool because she twirled fire inches from my face and I could feel the warmth of the flames. By the way I've got to say watching someone do a fire performance without music in the background is really cool because the sound the fire makes as it twirls and spins is awesome. So after saying hi to S and chatting for a bit it was off for food.
We didn't have to walk too far as a food stand wasn real close. On the way there I ran into another friend KW who I had run into earlier and was really interested in the shirts he said he had. After seeing them I really wanted to buy one but unfortunatly I did not have enough money to buy one. R had the same problem but I know that one of these days I'll get one hopefully before Pirate Fest. At the food stand I happened to run into T. The same T from my Conflation post. We shot the shit a bit and I asked him if he was going to the party I mentioned earlier. He said yeah and I asked if I could ride with him and he said yeah so I was like woohoo.
After eating we went ahead and watched one of the ending shows they were having for the day. There were two and the other one was at the other end of the park. The one we chose had another performance by Musical Blades which was cool. There was also some humor, a guy playing on an instrument I don't quite know the name of, and overall good entertainment.
After all of that it was time to leave as Faire for the weekend was over. I looked at my watch and realized five or six hours had passed. You know you've had a good time when that much time has gone by and you didn't even realize it. On the way out we stopped at one more booth and chatted with some more friends. We chatted with TM(CM's wife), her mom AC, and KG. S also stopped by and we all just chilled and hung out for a bit. I bought this cool mask that I would love to do a costume with if I can figure out how to wear it and still be able to see. This mask does not work with my glasses lol. After a while we left as we kind of had to. It is really cool knowing a bunch of people who work the Ren Faire because it makes the experience even more fun than just going as a patron.
So that was most of my day at the St. Louis Ren Faire. Admittedly I didn't talk about everything this is mostly the highlight as there was quite a bit of walking around and just standing and talking but it was all fun. I will say though I am very glad I have good legs. This is definetly not something to do if you can't walk very well not without a wheel chair or something. So after Faire we all went over to another mutual friend AS's how and hung out with her and G for a little bit before going to eat at Hibachi Grill. The food there was really good. Once dinner was done they dropped me off at home and that was the end of a really great day.
The first booth I stopped at was the booth for Dracosinister Blades. I know the man who runs it and I always like looking at what he has for sale. While I was there I said hi, shot the shit a bit, talked about the party that's being held in July that I plan to attend. I soon noticed that J and R was walking to a different spot and left to catch up with them. I rode with them after all and didn't want to get left behind. We walked up the hill stopping to say hi to folks here and there; when we decided to check the schedule to see what all was planned. We happened to notice that the band Musical Blades was going to be playing soon so we decided to head that way.
Let me stop for a second to mention that there was this really cute mime that stopped us as we were walking up the hill. It took me a minute to realize it but she was telling us that J was beautiful(no argument here) and that either R or myself should buy her a rose. I've got to say that that mime was so cute I wanted to take her somewhere and see if I could get her to make a sound or two ;). So back to the blog post.....
On the way to watch Musical Blades we happened to stop and watch a guy doing a show, pretty much caught the tail end of it but it was still cool as he was on a tightrope juggling torches. While I was standing there I happened to notice my friend MO's booth. I decided to go over and say hi because she's cool and I always enjoy hanging with her. She happened to be a bit on the tired side but still good company. We chatted for a bit before me, J, and R headed towards the show. After a while we noticed that it was close to show time so we moved a bit faster to get there.
It was a really good show. I'd seen these guys perform at The Crack Fox before for Subversion: Pirate Booty Edition and I really like their stuff. This show was exceptionally good because for this first show there wasn't a lot of people there so they decided to perform it right where the audience was instead of on the stage I have to say that that was really cool. It didn't hurt that I was in the next aisle enjoying the show. While we were sitting there we were enjoying a skin of mead that J and R had brought(J had the mead and R had the wineskin). Not long into the performance our friend AH came over and joined us. AH is pretty cool. I've hung out with her on several occasions and have always had a good time, today was no exception. We shared the mead with her and she pretty much joined us as we walked around Faire.
So after the show we decided to go check out the jousting on our way there J was approached by a woman who is a fan of hers(J happens to be a performer) it was really fun to watch as it was a total fangirl. Me and R joked about how we felt like we were hanging with a famous person and how we wanted our own fangirls.
Right before getting to the joust I happened to see my friend MS, who also happened to be working Faire.I decided to go say hi and she proceeds to give me a hug after having just gotten soaked with water to help her cool off. I had just seen her get wet so I shouldn't have been surprised. It was pretty funny. I will say having my shirt wet felt pretty good because it was a nice sunny day that was getting pretty hot. As we were talking MS noticed that I didn't have a hat on. She admonished me for not taking precautions to keep myself cool in the heat. So she wets a scarf and gives it to me to wear. I tried to argue but I've learned over the years not to for too long. To be fair it was a good thing I gave in because that wet scarf on my head did a pretty good job of keeping me cool for a while. Not long after that she had to take off as she was working and I couldn't keep her for too long. Luckily the joust are was right there so I didn't have to go far.
The joust was pretty fun to watch. I wound up cheering for the English guy as his opponent was a French guy(the setting for the Ren Faire was 16th century France after all). It was very fun to watch especially the actual jousting. I had tried to take some pictures of the moments when they clashed but unfortunatly my phone had a slight delay and I always missed it by a couple of seconds. So after the joust was done I went to find J, R, and AH who were standing over by a tree. I was curious as to why they moved and they told me about this asshat who got a bug up his butt because J happended to say crotch near his kid. We were getting ready to leave the joust when we noticed CM stanging nearby. He was selling pickles and we decide to go say hi. I forgot who mentioned it first but there was talk about how another friend of ours, AO, could suck the inside out of a pickle. I bought the first pickle and thus begins the hunt to find a straw and AO.
J, myself, and R were so interested in seeing this the first thing we did was go hunt for a straw as one was needed to make this stunt happen. On the way we ran into more people we know. I stopped at another weapons shop and wound up buying this dagger that I thought looked really cool. We eventually made our way back to the booth where MO was and guess who was there but AO so we told her how we wanted to see the pickle thing but it turns out the pickle we had was too small. We were ready to give up on this when lucky us CM happened to show up with his bucket of pickles. It was on now. So a straw was produced and AO proceeded to try and suck the inside out of the pickle. Unfortunatly it didn't quite work out as the second pickle that got picked wasn't big enough either. While we were standing there laughing and talking I noticed someone was selling roses. I decided to buy three of them and Gave one to MO, one to AO, and one to J. I must say, big beautiful cleavage is a perfect place to hold a rose lol. It was definetly a gorgeous site :). While standing there I noticed MS had shown up and I went and chatted with her some more as we hadn't hung out in a while and it gave us a chance to catch up.
Not too much later we decided it was time for food as we had been drinking for a bit and had gotten hungry. On the way to food though we became distracted by belly dancers; three of them with my favorite being the tall, busty , brunette who looked stunning. After the belly dancers there was a guy who twirled fire. He was cool but the one I thought was the most entertaining was another friend of mine S. She was performing her own fire performance that was funny and cool. I even got added as part of the show. She used me as the unknown "member of the audience"(doubt anyone bought it but I think that was the idea lol). It was really cool because she twirled fire inches from my face and I could feel the warmth of the flames. By the way I've got to say watching someone do a fire performance without music in the background is really cool because the sound the fire makes as it twirls and spins is awesome. So after saying hi to S and chatting for a bit it was off for food.
We didn't have to walk too far as a food stand wasn real close. On the way there I ran into another friend KW who I had run into earlier and was really interested in the shirts he said he had. After seeing them I really wanted to buy one but unfortunatly I did not have enough money to buy one. R had the same problem but I know that one of these days I'll get one hopefully before Pirate Fest. At the food stand I happened to run into T. The same T from my Conflation post. We shot the shit a bit and I asked him if he was going to the party I mentioned earlier. He said yeah and I asked if I could ride with him and he said yeah so I was like woohoo.
After eating we went ahead and watched one of the ending shows they were having for the day. There were two and the other one was at the other end of the park. The one we chose had another performance by Musical Blades which was cool. There was also some humor, a guy playing on an instrument I don't quite know the name of, and overall good entertainment.
After all of that it was time to leave as Faire for the weekend was over. I looked at my watch and realized five or six hours had passed. You know you've had a good time when that much time has gone by and you didn't even realize it. On the way out we stopped at one more booth and chatted with some more friends. We chatted with TM(CM's wife), her mom AC, and KG. S also stopped by and we all just chilled and hung out for a bit. I bought this cool mask that I would love to do a costume with if I can figure out how to wear it and still be able to see. This mask does not work with my glasses lol. After a while we left as we kind of had to. It is really cool knowing a bunch of people who work the Ren Faire because it makes the experience even more fun than just going as a patron.
So that was most of my day at the St. Louis Ren Faire. Admittedly I didn't talk about everything this is mostly the highlight as there was quite a bit of walking around and just standing and talking but it was all fun. I will say though I am very glad I have good legs. This is definetly not something to do if you can't walk very well not without a wheel chair or something. So after Faire we all went over to another mutual friend AS's how and hung out with her and G for a little bit before going to eat at Hibachi Grill. The food there was really good. Once dinner was done they dropped me off at home and that was the end of a really great day.
Friday, May 6, 2011
Conflation
So back in February I went to a very fun event called Conflation. This is my memory of that weekend.
Day 1
I arrived at the hotel around 2; after having taken a shuttle from the airport. I took the shuttle due to the fact that I am currently without a car and without getting a ride from someone it was the only way I could get there. So I arrive at the hotel and I already see some friends so I have a feeling it is going to be a good weekend. I get to the counter and hand them my debit card to check in to my room only to find out that it was declined; the reason it was declined is because obviously there was no money on it. I'll admit I was surprised it was declined as I had checked at a hotel with no money on it before. Both times I expected to get paid the next day (which I did) so it wasn't a real problem; or so I thought. It turns out that this particular hotel charges the card at the time of check in and finalized the charge at check out. It wouldn't have been so bad except last year my bank had made it so you can't overdraft your account. Luckily for me my friend T was standing nearby and I was able to ask him if I could check in using his card. The hotel said as long as I paid in cash when I checked out he wouldn't be charged. He said yes and I was all set. So after checking in I go to my room and drop off my stuff. On the way upstairs T told me where his room was and to stop by to hang if I wanted so after dropping off my stuff that's what I did. Once I got there I see he has is sharing a room with my friends SC (don't know his last name so I used the initials of his nickname) and P. Was surprised to see P but thought it was cool to see her. So while we were hanging out T pulled out a bunch of shirts he was planning on selling at the con. They were some really cool shirts and if I didn't also have to pay rent with this check I would have bought a couple. He had me try on this jacket that looked really cool and I was surprised to discover it fit. I had been losing weight for a while and since it was an L I figured it wouldn't fit. Turns out it's cut for a bigger guy in general and apparently I've lost more weight than I thought. So after hanging out in his room for a bit T and SC mentioned taking a ride to run a couple of errands and asked if I wanted to ride; I said sure. So SC said he was going to take a shower and he'd meet us downstairs. Since he said it was going to take a bit I chose to walk around and explore the con a bit. So I went to the end of the hall to check out the Con Suite; which is essentially a room where there are drinks and snacks for folks to enjoy through out the con. I was both surprised and pleased to walk in the room and have several people greet me by name as soon as I walked in. It was really cool as I hadn't seen some of these folks since Conflation last year. I hung around and sociallized a bit before going downstairs to wait for T and SC. While down there I ran into a few more friends who I said hi to and was glad to see. So T and SC come down and we rode to the house T was staying and a couple of stores to pick up some stuff. It was a pretty nice ride. On the way back rom T's place he showed me the place where my best friend X is currently staying. So we go back to the hotel in time for opening ceremonies. I run into more friends including a good friend of mine MO. She is an awesome person I always enjoy her company and have fun whenever we hang out. So I chatted with her and a few other people I knew and eventually went to opening ceremonies. They pretty much told us what all was planned for the weekend and introduced us to the special guests for the weekend. During the ceremonies they announced that there would be a charity fashion show later that evening and they needed people to model stuff. I decided to try and model when a friend of mine B said he donated a bunch of clothes for it because they didn't fit since he had lost some weight. I went to the room where the clothes were being kept so I could at least see if they fit. Not only did they fit but there was actually quite a bit of room left over in the shirts. I must say that I loved one aspect of being a "model" the most and that is how comfortable the other people modeling were around each other. Hey, I'm a straight male after all ;). So anyway while I was trying on clothes I got a call from my friend J who told me he had part of my costume and I needed to come to his room to get it. So I go grab that, talk about the announcment that was made during the opening ceremonies that might affect our costumes, drop it off in my room, and then head back to try on more clothes. When I got back to the room where the clothes were there were a couple more guys there which was cool because my friend B dropped off more clothes than I thought and a couple of which didn't come close to fitting me. So after trying everything on they told us what time the show would be and I headed back downstairs to watch the performances of a burlesque performer friend of mine by the name of Allura Fett ( I make an exception with her name as it is a stage name and the more press she gets the better). On the way to watching the performances I was stopped by my friend G who is J's wife. She told me that there was someone J wanted to introduce me to who he thought I'd hit it off with. I said cool and told her I looked forward to meeting this friend. I then continue on to watch Allura's preformances. After her second performance I had to go change for the fashion show since we were next. Modeling for the fashion show was very fun indeed. It was being mc'd by a guy I know SP who is a pretty funny guy. I played up to the crowd as much as I could whenever it was my turn and had the shirt I was wearing taken off by some beautiful women a couple of times and once by my friend J for laughs. My favorite part of the fashion show was when I modeled my friend B's old tux. It has become apparent that I look very good in a three piece style tux as for the second time I was complimented quite a lot while wearing a tux. So I modeled the shit out of that tux to a lot of cheers. It raised the most money out of the clothes I had worn. My favorite part was when the top part of it was removed very sensually by K, a very gorgoeus redhead that I'm glad to know. So after the fashion show I decide to walk around and ran into the woman my friend J wanted me to meet. I had actually ran into her earlier and made an introduction. She was very cute imo and she seemed like someone I'd like. So we chatted a bit and decided to go back to my room. There we had ourselves a bit of fun. Afterwards we left the room because she had to work an overnight shift that night and walked down to the con suite. We sat and chatted for a bit and then she started talking with a friend of hers and I talked to J who happened to be there. So I eventually got up to walk around and ran into another friend of mine(whose initials I can't quite remember atm) who was hanging out with a rather attractive friend of hers with the initials CC. After a while I walked around and ran into T and P. I hung out with them for a bit before going back to the friend whose initials i can't remember's room (pretty easy as she was across the hall lol) while there I had a few drinks and sat and chatted. CC had gotten bound by a guy I'd run into a few times who had been participating in a pretty good bondage panel performed by SP earlier that evening. So after all that was done and she had enjoyed being bound quite a bit I decided to go to my room further down the hall to get the bottle of rum I had brought with me. I came back and hung out for a bit more before going downstairs with my friend and CC who had gone outside to smoke. Man it was really cold. So after a while, around 4 a.m. I decided to go to bed.
Day 2
The next day I woke up at 8 am because I was going to try and get a money order so that I could use it to pay my rent and after that day it would be late. I went down to the con suite where I ran into CC who was getting a back massage. She was a bit tired and kind of hung over so I said hi and then went to go eat breakfast. I went downstairs and grabbed a couple of bowls of cereal and just relaxed. Not much really goes on during the day on the second day of Conflation as most folks sleep until the afternoon so all I really did was walk around and socialize a bit. I ran into my friend MO who had hooked up with a guy the night before. We high fived and congratulated each other on our hook ups (we had done it the night before but always good to do again). So I did some more scoializing and hanging out until it was time for the dance and virgin raffle. It was around about 7 or 8 in the evening that everyone was getting together for more partying. This is where the annoncement I mentioned earlier becomes a problem. You see during opening ceremonies they annonced that in certain areas of the hotel alcohol would not be allowed as the bar in the hotel is seperate from the hotel and don't like outside alcohol in their area. This was a problem because myself, J, and a few other people had costumes that were all alcohol themed. I was The Incredible Keg. So after having gotten strapped in and had a couple of pictures taken I took off the alcoholic part of my costume and went downstairs. Once I got down there I was able to see a bunch of really good costumes; one of which was worn by my friend CR who was dressed as Poison Ivy. I had ran into my friend CR earlier and had let her drop off her stuff in my room as she wasn't staying in the hotel and needed a place to stash it. I gave her a spare room key so she could get into the room without having to spend a long time searching for me. So while I was downstairs they held what is called The Virgin Raffle. This is the part of Conflation where they raffle off the folks who are "Con virgins" so that they can get to know folks and have fun. It was very fun to watch this year. Last year I was myself a con virgin so I enjoyed just watching it this year. Next year I'll probably get a couple raffle tickets. I just remembered I should mention that before coming down to the "Virgin Raffle" I had ran into CC and managed to hook up with her. I must say it was very good and I enjoyed it very very much :). Two very good times as a matter of fact. So after the raffle I ran into CC again and we hung out a bit. During that time I ran into K and talked with her and found out she had broken up with the guy she had been seeing for a while. I had run into her quite a few times since the day before and each time it was quite interesting. Interesting enough that I definetly decided to ask her out when I got the chance (she said yes by the way). So K wound up leaving and I ran into CC again. By this point I was starting to get sleepy and decided to go to bed but I figured I'd go for one more romp with CC. After hanging out for a bit walking around we went back to my room and had more fun :). By this point CR had grabbed her stuff as I had told her I was going to sleep and she had wanted to grab her stuff and shower before I crashed. I've got to say CR was cool because I had told her that I was going to hook up with CC both earlier and later and she made sure not to stop by the room. I must add that this hotel had an ingenious do not disturb sign as theirs could be put into the key card reader to stop housekeeping from coming in. Works great for keeping out someone using a spare key card. So after CC left, even though I wanted her to stay with me that night she still wanted to hang with folks, I walked around for a bit and then went to sleep.
Day 3
This was the last day of the con. Again I woke up early, around 8:30 and went to the con suite. While I was there I ran into CC who apparently had not gone to sleep and was still a bit drunk from partying from the night before. We chatted for a while and hung out before I went downstairs where they had...WAFFLES. Yaaaaay, was my first reaction followed by yummm. So I made myself some waffles and they were very tasty. Waffle maker + premade batter = win. After breakfast I walked around a bit and did some more socializing before finding out that check out was at 11 instead of 12 like at most hotels. So I grabbed my stuff (had packed the night before so I wouldn't have to worry about it in the morning) and went to check out. I dropped my stuff in the con suite as I was checking out but wasn't going to leave yet. I went to the front desk and payed in cash so T's card didn't get charged and then went to closing ceremonies. I should mention that during the weekend they were giving beads to those who were having a lot of fun and those of us who had participated in the fashion show. The point of the beads were to exchange them for stuff that the folks who ran the con had to give away. I had picked up a yo-yo, another cool toy, and a spiderman button. I also was able to get a really cool book (which I enjoyed reading) for being in the fashion show (they had let us go and pick out stuff without needing beads). After closing ceremonies they held a raffle which I had bought tickets for earlier. I won a seasonings basket (which I kept) and a basket of craft supplies which I gave to my friend J for his birthday (which was that weekend) he really liked it. So afterwards there was an auction where I won this really cool bag for $25 and then everyone said their goodbyes. I ran into the other girl I had hooked up with and we exchanged numbers so we could keep in touch. So I hung out and socialized for a couple more hours and then went home.
Overall it was a great weekend and I had tons of fun.
Day 1
I arrived at the hotel around 2; after having taken a shuttle from the airport. I took the shuttle due to the fact that I am currently without a car and without getting a ride from someone it was the only way I could get there. So I arrive at the hotel and I already see some friends so I have a feeling it is going to be a good weekend. I get to the counter and hand them my debit card to check in to my room only to find out that it was declined; the reason it was declined is because obviously there was no money on it. I'll admit I was surprised it was declined as I had checked at a hotel with no money on it before. Both times I expected to get paid the next day (which I did) so it wasn't a real problem; or so I thought. It turns out that this particular hotel charges the card at the time of check in and finalized the charge at check out. It wouldn't have been so bad except last year my bank had made it so you can't overdraft your account. Luckily for me my friend T was standing nearby and I was able to ask him if I could check in using his card. The hotel said as long as I paid in cash when I checked out he wouldn't be charged. He said yes and I was all set. So after checking in I go to my room and drop off my stuff. On the way upstairs T told me where his room was and to stop by to hang if I wanted so after dropping off my stuff that's what I did. Once I got there I see he has is sharing a room with my friends SC (don't know his last name so I used the initials of his nickname) and P. Was surprised to see P but thought it was cool to see her. So while we were hanging out T pulled out a bunch of shirts he was planning on selling at the con. They were some really cool shirts and if I didn't also have to pay rent with this check I would have bought a couple. He had me try on this jacket that looked really cool and I was surprised to discover it fit. I had been losing weight for a while and since it was an L I figured it wouldn't fit. Turns out it's cut for a bigger guy in general and apparently I've lost more weight than I thought. So after hanging out in his room for a bit T and SC mentioned taking a ride to run a couple of errands and asked if I wanted to ride; I said sure. So SC said he was going to take a shower and he'd meet us downstairs. Since he said it was going to take a bit I chose to walk around and explore the con a bit. So I went to the end of the hall to check out the Con Suite; which is essentially a room where there are drinks and snacks for folks to enjoy through out the con. I was both surprised and pleased to walk in the room and have several people greet me by name as soon as I walked in. It was really cool as I hadn't seen some of these folks since Conflation last year. I hung around and sociallized a bit before going downstairs to wait for T and SC. While down there I ran into a few more friends who I said hi to and was glad to see. So T and SC come down and we rode to the house T was staying and a couple of stores to pick up some stuff. It was a pretty nice ride. On the way back rom T's place he showed me the place where my best friend X is currently staying. So we go back to the hotel in time for opening ceremonies. I run into more friends including a good friend of mine MO. She is an awesome person I always enjoy her company and have fun whenever we hang out. So I chatted with her and a few other people I knew and eventually went to opening ceremonies. They pretty much told us what all was planned for the weekend and introduced us to the special guests for the weekend. During the ceremonies they announced that there would be a charity fashion show later that evening and they needed people to model stuff. I decided to try and model when a friend of mine B said he donated a bunch of clothes for it because they didn't fit since he had lost some weight. I went to the room where the clothes were being kept so I could at least see if they fit. Not only did they fit but there was actually quite a bit of room left over in the shirts. I must say that I loved one aspect of being a "model" the most and that is how comfortable the other people modeling were around each other. Hey, I'm a straight male after all ;). So anyway while I was trying on clothes I got a call from my friend J who told me he had part of my costume and I needed to come to his room to get it. So I go grab that, talk about the announcment that was made during the opening ceremonies that might affect our costumes, drop it off in my room, and then head back to try on more clothes. When I got back to the room where the clothes were there were a couple more guys there which was cool because my friend B dropped off more clothes than I thought and a couple of which didn't come close to fitting me. So after trying everything on they told us what time the show would be and I headed back downstairs to watch the performances of a burlesque performer friend of mine by the name of Allura Fett ( I make an exception with her name as it is a stage name and the more press she gets the better). On the way to watching the performances I was stopped by my friend G who is J's wife. She told me that there was someone J wanted to introduce me to who he thought I'd hit it off with. I said cool and told her I looked forward to meeting this friend. I then continue on to watch Allura's preformances. After her second performance I had to go change for the fashion show since we were next. Modeling for the fashion show was very fun indeed. It was being mc'd by a guy I know SP who is a pretty funny guy. I played up to the crowd as much as I could whenever it was my turn and had the shirt I was wearing taken off by some beautiful women a couple of times and once by my friend J for laughs. My favorite part of the fashion show was when I modeled my friend B's old tux. It has become apparent that I look very good in a three piece style tux as for the second time I was complimented quite a lot while wearing a tux. So I modeled the shit out of that tux to a lot of cheers. It raised the most money out of the clothes I had worn. My favorite part was when the top part of it was removed very sensually by K, a very gorgoeus redhead that I'm glad to know. So after the fashion show I decide to walk around and ran into the woman my friend J wanted me to meet. I had actually ran into her earlier and made an introduction. She was very cute imo and she seemed like someone I'd like. So we chatted a bit and decided to go back to my room. There we had ourselves a bit of fun. Afterwards we left the room because she had to work an overnight shift that night and walked down to the con suite. We sat and chatted for a bit and then she started talking with a friend of hers and I talked to J who happened to be there. So I eventually got up to walk around and ran into another friend of mine(whose initials I can't quite remember atm) who was hanging out with a rather attractive friend of hers with the initials CC. After a while I walked around and ran into T and P. I hung out with them for a bit before going back to the friend whose initials i can't remember's room (pretty easy as she was across the hall lol) while there I had a few drinks and sat and chatted. CC had gotten bound by a guy I'd run into a few times who had been participating in a pretty good bondage panel performed by SP earlier that evening. So after all that was done and she had enjoyed being bound quite a bit I decided to go to my room further down the hall to get the bottle of rum I had brought with me. I came back and hung out for a bit more before going downstairs with my friend and CC who had gone outside to smoke. Man it was really cold. So after a while, around 4 a.m. I decided to go to bed.
Day 2
The next day I woke up at 8 am because I was going to try and get a money order so that I could use it to pay my rent and after that day it would be late. I went down to the con suite where I ran into CC who was getting a back massage. She was a bit tired and kind of hung over so I said hi and then went to go eat breakfast. I went downstairs and grabbed a couple of bowls of cereal and just relaxed. Not much really goes on during the day on the second day of Conflation as most folks sleep until the afternoon so all I really did was walk around and socialize a bit. I ran into my friend MO who had hooked up with a guy the night before. We high fived and congratulated each other on our hook ups (we had done it the night before but always good to do again). So I did some more scoializing and hanging out until it was time for the dance and virgin raffle. It was around about 7 or 8 in the evening that everyone was getting together for more partying. This is where the annoncement I mentioned earlier becomes a problem. You see during opening ceremonies they annonced that in certain areas of the hotel alcohol would not be allowed as the bar in the hotel is seperate from the hotel and don't like outside alcohol in their area. This was a problem because myself, J, and a few other people had costumes that were all alcohol themed. I was The Incredible Keg. So after having gotten strapped in and had a couple of pictures taken I took off the alcoholic part of my costume and went downstairs. Once I got down there I was able to see a bunch of really good costumes; one of which was worn by my friend CR who was dressed as Poison Ivy. I had ran into my friend CR earlier and had let her drop off her stuff in my room as she wasn't staying in the hotel and needed a place to stash it. I gave her a spare room key so she could get into the room without having to spend a long time searching for me. So while I was downstairs they held what is called The Virgin Raffle. This is the part of Conflation where they raffle off the folks who are "Con virgins" so that they can get to know folks and have fun. It was very fun to watch this year. Last year I was myself a con virgin so I enjoyed just watching it this year. Next year I'll probably get a couple raffle tickets. I just remembered I should mention that before coming down to the "Virgin Raffle" I had ran into CC and managed to hook up with her. I must say it was very good and I enjoyed it very very much :). Two very good times as a matter of fact. So after the raffle I ran into CC again and we hung out a bit. During that time I ran into K and talked with her and found out she had broken up with the guy she had been seeing for a while. I had run into her quite a few times since the day before and each time it was quite interesting. Interesting enough that I definetly decided to ask her out when I got the chance (she said yes by the way). So K wound up leaving and I ran into CC again. By this point I was starting to get sleepy and decided to go to bed but I figured I'd go for one more romp with CC. After hanging out for a bit walking around we went back to my room and had more fun :). By this point CR had grabbed her stuff as I had told her I was going to sleep and she had wanted to grab her stuff and shower before I crashed. I've got to say CR was cool because I had told her that I was going to hook up with CC both earlier and later and she made sure not to stop by the room. I must add that this hotel had an ingenious do not disturb sign as theirs could be put into the key card reader to stop housekeeping from coming in. Works great for keeping out someone using a spare key card. So after CC left, even though I wanted her to stay with me that night she still wanted to hang with folks, I walked around for a bit and then went to sleep.
Day 3
This was the last day of the con. Again I woke up early, around 8:30 and went to the con suite. While I was there I ran into CC who apparently had not gone to sleep and was still a bit drunk from partying from the night before. We chatted for a while and hung out before I went downstairs where they had...WAFFLES. Yaaaaay, was my first reaction followed by yummm. So I made myself some waffles and they were very tasty. Waffle maker + premade batter = win. After breakfast I walked around a bit and did some more socializing before finding out that check out was at 11 instead of 12 like at most hotels. So I grabbed my stuff (had packed the night before so I wouldn't have to worry about it in the morning) and went to check out. I dropped my stuff in the con suite as I was checking out but wasn't going to leave yet. I went to the front desk and payed in cash so T's card didn't get charged and then went to closing ceremonies. I should mention that during the weekend they were giving beads to those who were having a lot of fun and those of us who had participated in the fashion show. The point of the beads were to exchange them for stuff that the folks who ran the con had to give away. I had picked up a yo-yo, another cool toy, and a spiderman button. I also was able to get a really cool book (which I enjoyed reading) for being in the fashion show (they had let us go and pick out stuff without needing beads). After closing ceremonies they held a raffle which I had bought tickets for earlier. I won a seasonings basket (which I kept) and a basket of craft supplies which I gave to my friend J for his birthday (which was that weekend) he really liked it. So afterwards there was an auction where I won this really cool bag for $25 and then everyone said their goodbyes. I ran into the other girl I had hooked up with and we exchanged numbers so we could keep in touch. So I hung out and socialized for a couple more hours and then went home.
Overall it was a great weekend and I had tons of fun.
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
People mentioned
In future blogs I may mention people who either said or did something that had an impact on me or events. I don't plan on using names or even nicknames. I will however use initials. I will only use a person's first initial; however, if there is more than one person with the same first initial mention I will add the second. As far as I know I don't think I know anyone who has the same first and last initials as anyone else.
Dating and the search for love
Before I write this all out let me first say that I tend to ramble in writing. I usually just write out what's on my mind. With that said here goes.
Dating is definetly a hard thing sometimes. I've been doing it for a while and still can't seem to get the hang of it. I should probably mention what it is I'm looking for in regards to a relationship. I want to have a full time, long term, just me and her relationship. Where we both are in love with each other and want to each spend the rest of our lives making the other person happy. I know that sounds like a hard thing to find and I'll admit it definetly has seemed so so far.
I had a full time relationship three years ago. As far as the relationship itself goes it was everything I wanted in one, the problem was the person I was in the relationship with. She made me unhappy and when we finally ended things it felt like there was a great weight lifted off of my shoulders. I've done my best not to find myself in that situation again. Me and her dated for eleven months; ten months longer than we should have. The problem is, I've been looking for the same type of relationship ever since, I just want it with someone who I can be happy with. I've dated since; some with potential, others I wanted to run from rather quickly, and a few that I've had fun with but that wound up being all there was to it. I know a lot of people have told me "Stop looking for it; It will come when you least expect it"; all the usual stuff. That's all fine and dandy but it's a lot easier said than done. Especially when 95% of my friends are alll in happy relationships with people they know they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It's hard not to envy their happiness in all honesty. Most of them happen to be poly with a few who are monogamous but they all seem to be very pleased with the relationships they are in. I know folks always say stuff like "You're only seeing parts of our relationship," or "We have problems, it's not all perfect." I totally understand that, the thing that makes those relationships so good is that the arguments, disagreements, and problems aren't ending the relationship. I believe it's because they have found the person who they care about so much that an argument isn't going to make them want to end the relationship. I've not 100% found that yet.
One thing I've come to learn is that I'm not a poly person. It's not that I have a problem with it, as a matter of fact I have one or two friends with benefits who are poly. The reason; I've come to learn, as for why I'm not is because I know(in the back of my mind anyway) that no matter what, no matter how much feeling I might eventually develop for someone there is always someone else they care about more. I wouldn't be the person that is most important(outside of family and friends who have been around longer than me anyway) in their life. My experience, admittedly, has never been on the primary side of things but I know I couldn't handle that either. The reason for that is because if I was someone's primary I'd always be afraid that they would leave me for their secondary. I know that's probably a silly thing to be worried about especially since that can happen in a monogamous relationship but why let it be even easier for that to happen. So I've come to accept the fact that poly won't work for me.
I'm also worried that karma is playing a huge role in my dating life. I've only really been dating for 8 years or so and the first few women I've dated I wasn't very good with. I'll admit some of that was self delusion on my part. In the earler relationships I told myself that I wanted more when in reality all I wanted was sex. It took me a few years to realize and accept that fact and now I feel that the universe is balancing that out by putting me in situations where I either end up with someone who only wants a physical relationship or I date someone where no strong feelings develop on their end of things. Because of that I'm sometimes worried that I'm destined to never truly find happiness with someone.
While I do sometimes enjoy being single(I'm not super depressed or anything), a lot of times I want to share some of the stuff I'm enjoying with someone who I know will enjoy it right along with me. One thing I can say is that I know what true love is, for me anyway. It's loving someone without any conditions attached, it's wanting to see the other person happy even if they aren't with you, it's wanting to be there and do stuff for them without expecting anything in return. It's being able to tell someone anything without them judging you, it's knowing that they will always be there no matter what, it's being able to go plenty of time without seeing or talking to them and still feel as close as possible. Of course that is a subject more for a different post.
When it's all said and done though I can say I wouldn't change my experiences for anything. I've learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship. I know I don't need someone to make me happy but it would certainly be nice to have someone to be happy with.
Dating is definetly a hard thing sometimes. I've been doing it for a while and still can't seem to get the hang of it. I should probably mention what it is I'm looking for in regards to a relationship. I want to have a full time, long term, just me and her relationship. Where we both are in love with each other and want to each spend the rest of our lives making the other person happy. I know that sounds like a hard thing to find and I'll admit it definetly has seemed so so far.
I had a full time relationship three years ago. As far as the relationship itself goes it was everything I wanted in one, the problem was the person I was in the relationship with. She made me unhappy and when we finally ended things it felt like there was a great weight lifted off of my shoulders. I've done my best not to find myself in that situation again. Me and her dated for eleven months; ten months longer than we should have. The problem is, I've been looking for the same type of relationship ever since, I just want it with someone who I can be happy with. I've dated since; some with potential, others I wanted to run from rather quickly, and a few that I've had fun with but that wound up being all there was to it. I know a lot of people have told me "Stop looking for it; It will come when you least expect it"; all the usual stuff. That's all fine and dandy but it's a lot easier said than done. Especially when 95% of my friends are alll in happy relationships with people they know they want to spend the rest of their lives with. It's hard not to envy their happiness in all honesty. Most of them happen to be poly with a few who are monogamous but they all seem to be very pleased with the relationships they are in. I know folks always say stuff like "You're only seeing parts of our relationship," or "We have problems, it's not all perfect." I totally understand that, the thing that makes those relationships so good is that the arguments, disagreements, and problems aren't ending the relationship. I believe it's because they have found the person who they care about so much that an argument isn't going to make them want to end the relationship. I've not 100% found that yet.
One thing I've come to learn is that I'm not a poly person. It's not that I have a problem with it, as a matter of fact I have one or two friends with benefits who are poly. The reason; I've come to learn, as for why I'm not is because I know(in the back of my mind anyway) that no matter what, no matter how much feeling I might eventually develop for someone there is always someone else they care about more. I wouldn't be the person that is most important(outside of family and friends who have been around longer than me anyway) in their life. My experience, admittedly, has never been on the primary side of things but I know I couldn't handle that either. The reason for that is because if I was someone's primary I'd always be afraid that they would leave me for their secondary. I know that's probably a silly thing to be worried about especially since that can happen in a monogamous relationship but why let it be even easier for that to happen. So I've come to accept the fact that poly won't work for me.
I'm also worried that karma is playing a huge role in my dating life. I've only really been dating for 8 years or so and the first few women I've dated I wasn't very good with. I'll admit some of that was self delusion on my part. In the earler relationships I told myself that I wanted more when in reality all I wanted was sex. It took me a few years to realize and accept that fact and now I feel that the universe is balancing that out by putting me in situations where I either end up with someone who only wants a physical relationship or I date someone where no strong feelings develop on their end of things. Because of that I'm sometimes worried that I'm destined to never truly find happiness with someone.
While I do sometimes enjoy being single(I'm not super depressed or anything), a lot of times I want to share some of the stuff I'm enjoying with someone who I know will enjoy it right along with me. One thing I can say is that I know what true love is, for me anyway. It's loving someone without any conditions attached, it's wanting to see the other person happy even if they aren't with you, it's wanting to be there and do stuff for them without expecting anything in return. It's being able to tell someone anything without them judging you, it's knowing that they will always be there no matter what, it's being able to go plenty of time without seeing or talking to them and still feel as close as possible. Of course that is a subject more for a different post.
When it's all said and done though I can say I wouldn't change my experiences for anything. I've learned a lot about myself and what I want in a relationship. I know I don't need someone to make me happy but it would certainly be nice to have someone to be happy with.
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