Life Update

It's been a while since I last made an entry here and quite a bit has happened. It's been about three months since the last entry so I will do my best to bring things up to date. I know I said a few posts back that I'd try and post more but sometimes things get away from you.
It's only April and 2012 has been turning out to be an interesting year so far.

One big thing was Conflation. I had a great time that weekend and got to spend time with all of my friends that I've grown close with in the last few years. I'm not going to go into detail like I did last year as a good amount of the interesting stuff isn't really mine to tell. One thing I did experience which I truly wish I hadn't is a Drink calle Venom. Oh My God, that shit was crazy. I probably should have known that it wasn't something I should have tried as a.) The drink came with instructions on how to drink it and b.) The instructions were "Take a deep breath", "Hold your breath while you take the shot", and "Breathe out through your mouth slowly after you take the shot"; with the added direction of "Whatever you do don't breath in". I'll admit I was hesitant but apparently, even at 30, peer pressure can be affective lol. So I took the drink, following the directions of course, and Holy Shit was that stuff strong. So strong it burned all the way down and after taking it I had trouble breathing for a minute or two. Once I was able to breath again I thought I was ok; I was wrong. Seems that my stomach was not a huge fan of Venom. After 5 minutes, where I was talking and trying to recover, my body was like "Get this shit out of me". Suffice it to say Venom burned just as much coming up as it did going down.

Another thing that has happened this year is that I started a Single's Munch for all of the single people in the local BDSM community. I started it after being made a moderator for a single's group on FL. I started it for a few reasons; the main one being that others who attended munches felt like the odd person out. As accepting and inclusive as the St. Louis BDSM community is, things seem to be more geared towards those in relationships rather than singles. So I started the Munch and man was I nervous. I mean here I am starting something that, as far as I knew, no one else was attempting to do and it turned out to be a success. The first one had about twelve people(maybe a few more) show up and we all got to know each other and had fun. The second one had more people; including one who I am very happy to have met. The third one is soon and there might have to be a change on my end of things.

One more thing that's happened so far this year is that I am in a relationship with a gorgeous, funny, adorable, intelligent, and downright awesome woman. Her name is Tara. It's funny, I actually met her at March's Single's Munch. Originally I contacted her on OKcupid because I saw her profile on there and thought she was pretty and interesting. She replied and said she saw me on FL and was going to ask me about the Single's Munch. So she showed up and we spent the whole two hours talking, occasionally joining in on the other conversations. While we were talking I kept wondering how I could ask her out without breaking the vibe of the conversation we were having. Then it happened, she said something that I was totally able to use in my favor. She said "The last movie I saw in theaters was Avatar", I replied with "Oh we so have to fix this. What are you doing after the munch?" We've been dating ever since :). We have a really good connection; a lot of things in common including having birthdays only days apart from each other. I've got to say it's nice that her birthday is only three days after mine; no way am I forgetting it lol.

It's interesting though that just a few months after admitting that I am polyamorous I meet a woman that is monogamous and want a mono relationship. I'm willing to give her one. I know that had it been anyone else I wouldn't be willing to do that but for her there is no question in my mind that I can. I plan on bringing her around me friends soon and introduce her. I'm sure they'll like her a lot. We already have one friend in common so I wouldn't be surprised if she gets along with the others.

So that's what's been going on with me these last few months. It's been an interesting year so far and I am looking forward to what is to come. I hope that things continue to be good and my eventual end of the year post is just as positive as this one.

Feel honored

So last night I went to The Crack Fox because they were holding The Burlesqkies. An awards show for the folks of The Thunderkittens and all those who help make their shows amazing. I was given the honorary award of "Burlesque fan of the year". It was really awesome to get that award.

I knew about it before I got to The Crack Fox mind you but I was late getting there as I get off work at 8:30 and don't get home until 9. So after getting home and changing clothes I went straight there. I don't care what anyone says nothing rocks more than having people cheer for you. A friend had posted on my facebook page that people had been cheering for me when they announced my award. I was a bit late getting there because of the timing of things but when I got there they pulled me on stage and gave me my award. It was definetly an awesome feeling.

Afterward I hung out for a couple of hours. I'm actually friends with the people who are members of both The Thunderkittens burlesque troop and  Dragon's Gaze fire troop and I've got to say it's pretty cool. I've learned that I even have a bit of my own fame because of it. Nothing is cooler than having people I've not met recognizing me and telling me they think I'm cool.

I attached a pic taken by Charlotte Sumtimes, a good friend and burlesque performer with the Thunderkittens, of me with my award :-)

Been thinking

With my recent break-up(got back with the girl mentioned in "Unforgivable" and are broken up again) I've been thinking about the nature of my relationships.

I recently realized that I've been involved with someone for almost three years now. That could technically qualify as my longest relationship yet; except for the fact that it's not a relationship in the traditional sense. She best describes it as a non-relationship and that seems like a good description to me. The thing that seems to stick out most to me though is the fact that that has lasted longer than any of my full fledged relationships. Now if this were a movie or something some friend would probably say that it has affected my other relationships; I can definetly say though that it hasn't, as this issue has been going on for a long time. Truth be told this has nothing to do with that conversation. This is more about me wondering why the others haven't lasted as long.

Now I do realize that the common factor in all of my past relationships is me. I've dumped, been dumped, and have just had things just fizzle and die. There are probably some things I need to change about my approach to relationships. For one thing I need to stop allowing myself to be pulled into relationships so fast. The majority of the women I've dated that led to a relationship happened within the first couple of dates. As a friend I tried to date pointed out to me (and I may be remembering poorly) "The fire that burns brightest burns quickest" and that is how a lot of my relationships have gone. We start dating and it's all passion and "I love you" and all that way too quickly. I know I for one tend to get swept up by my emotions and it's as if I have no control over them. I fall hard and fast. The relationship always seems to end about the same; hard and fast.

The interesting thing(to me anyway) is the fact that with the women I'm more than friends (but not in a relationship) with I don't seem to have that problem. I don't put any pressure on things and am more relaxed. That may be why they have all lasted longer. Part of the reason is the fact that I know from the get go that it's not as serious and therefore I don't feel the need to try so hard or cling as much. I don't know if it's because I know that from day one or if it's the fact that the way things happened I was more comfortable being myself. Either way I'm not throwing "I love you" out there(I do still love them it's just different) and not placing any sort of expectations about how long we'll last or where things are going or any of that stuff.

I think what I need to do is figure out how to get my mind to a place where I can treat a full fledged relationship like I treat those. I'm planning on taking time off from being in a relationship and try to work on myself and my issues as much as I can. I'm not giving up on them and if someone decides they are interested in dating me then that's good but I do need to make some changes in how I handle things. I know what I do wrong in relationships so I need to stop doing those things. I also need to stop treating every relationship like it's the one that is going to lead to the whole "Happily ever after" thing. Honestly I'm not entirely sure I even know what my happily ever after will be. Over the years the ideas I had of what I want have changed as I change. When I was younger my ideal was a wife, kids, the whole nine. I now know that kids aren't something I want, a wife would have to be someone accepting of polyamory, and there are other things that have changed in what I want.

Now that I'm 30 I think it's time to do what needs to be done to get what I want.

Looking Back

2011 was an amazing year. There were some ups, and there were some downs. I've grown closer with some friends while staying close with others. I've made bunches of new friends and have thankfully lost none. I've found love, lost love, and found it again. One thing above all else about 2011 though is how well I've gotten to know myself. Before you start going "Ewww gross" let me explain. I've become someone that I like. Not saying that I hated who I was before but I've grown this year to be someone that, if I met me, I would want to hang out with me. Gone is the self pity, or any of doubts about my value as a person.

My confidence is higher than it has ever been. No longer do I hear compliments from friends and feel as if they are "Just saying that" partly because some of the things said to me has been random and completely unsolicited. With that came an ability to just be myself. I used to be someone who would adjust my personality based on who I was hanging out with just so they would like me more. Admittedly I tended to do that more with relationships than friendships but I did it all the same. To steal a line from Popeye, I am what I am and that's all that I am.

There are some things that I probably could have done differently but for the most part I wouldn't change a thing. I realized(rather accepted) the fact that I'm polyamorous and doing so has changed my dating life for the better. I no longer feel as if something is missing even when in a relationship. I moved into a new place after three years at my old place. Can't wait for spring/summer to get here so I can hit the pool.

I've also discovered I've become popular. Not like high school popular where I have to maintain some sort of image for people to like me but a different sort of popular. I've on more than one occasion last year had someone come up to me and say hi recognizing me that I don't always remember meeting.

Dating in 2011 was very interesting. I met a few women that I felt strongly for where some turned good, and some turned bad. I no longer feel as alone as I used to and don't feel the need to find "The One" as much. Don't get me wrong I do want to find that special woman that I can one day marry(and was thinking I had but that's for another blog).

I am very much looking forward to 2012. I have a feeling that this is going to be an awesome year and I don't believe that whole end of the world crap. I realiaze this post was rather short but it was really just to say how I survived another year and that things seem to be going good. I just don't see how my life could possibly get any better than it is now.

I hope everyone had a good New Year's Eve and I hope folks have a great 2012. Am going to try and post more often. I figure even if it's not an earth shattering or incredibly exciting post it will be mine. Because in the long run that's what this blog is about. My Life and everything that comes with it.

Unforgivable

Well by now chances are you've seen my fb post talking about how I had to break up with MF the woman I was seeing. If you haven't then this is probably the first time you're hearing about it. Either way I will admit that this one hit me a lot harder than any other break up has. It involves stuff from my past that I thought I had gotten over and dealt with but apparently I haven't.

First off let me say that I am ok with people who smoke weed. As drugs go it is considered one of the softer drugs out there and in all honesty if it wasn't illegal I would have tried it myself at one point. Before I start the next bit of this let me say that if you have a problem with me mentioning something someone has done that I don't agree with on the grounds that I shouldn't put their business out there stop reading now. A good number of you won't know who I'm talking about and the few who do already know what's going on in the first place.

The main reason I broke up with MF(yes I broke up with her) is because after years of her being clean she is back on drugs. That is something I can not and will not forgive. This particular reason hit me harder than any other because I have history with it. I wasn't on drugs but when I was a kid my mom was. She has been off of them for 15 years through strength of will and (in her words) "The grace of god." I was around her during a lot of that time and while I didn't know specifically what she was doing I knew she was on drugs. There were a few years where they took her away from me and I didn't see her and rarely heard from her. It took me a few years to forgive her and get past it. I'm glad my mom has been back in my life for all the years she has been and I love her a great deal. That is not something I want to deal with in my life again. I know that addiction is a powerful thing to escape but in all honesty I no longer care. Even though I didn't know her when she was on it before I have an idea of what type of person she'll become. While I've dealt with most of those issues, finding about what MF has done brought a lot of the feelings I had gotten past back. I'll get over this in the long run but I'll not be with her any time soon and if we do end up in each other's lives again it will only be as friends.

30th Birthday Celebration

Ok, I've had the best two days of my life. Before you ask no, I did not have sex but I had so much fun that doesn't matter. I'm pretty much about to describe all that happened. There will be people who have the same initials so for the first time I'm adding I and II to those with the same first and last initials. It's based on chronological order of where they appear in events.

Day 1(Pirate Fest)

The first day of my birthday celebration was September 25th 2011. It's one day before my birthday but it's also the day that most everyone I know and invited was(for the most part) off work. So the day started normal enough I got up ate some cereal and watched a bit of tv. The plan was for me to meet AH I at the Delmar Metrolink station as it was the easiest way for us to meet up to go to Pirate Fest.So I took a shower, got dressed in my Pirate Garb that I was going to wear for Fest, and headed out the door.I got to the Metrolink stop around 10:30 and went to the wrong end of the station. AH I called me to ask where I was and I walked down to the other end of the platform once I realized where she was. We left there and went to her place so that she could finish getting ready and we could wait on LA* and R. After everyone was ready we headed out to Wentzville for Pirate Fest. Stopped at Wendy's on the way to get food (yummy) and stayed on the highway the reast of the way. We got to Pirate Fest at about 12:30 or so. Me and LA went ahead in as AHI and R had some talking to do.

Now my friend J had texted me earlier to let me know that her and JB had a couple of tickets waiting for me and AH I. So me and LA get to the gate and we were talking about how this was going to work as AH I and R were still talking and there was only tickets for me and AHI. The plan had been that me and AHI would get those tickets and R would pay for himself and LA but things got easier when LA and I ran into MS I. I totally wouldn't have noticed her if she hadn't run up to me to say hi and give me a hug. I made introductions between her and LA and she asked me if we needed passes. I said yes right away. With the two she gave me that left the two that J left me and AH I for AH I and R instead. So after telling MS I to watch out for AH I, LA and I walked into Pirate Fest. While we were walking up the first hill LA saw a stand that was selling little flower head pices that she wanted to get. Since she didn't have to use the money her mom gave her for passes she used some of it for that. She asked me to hold the money for her after that because she didn't have any pockets and knew it would be safe with me. So after that we walked up the hill a bit more and we decided to go check out this juggler that looked to be having a cool show. I must say he was quite impressive. Especially when he gopped on a ball and started juggling fire. while I was watching the juggler I messaged AH I and told her about the two remaining tickets and that she should only take two as the other two were for Team Rocket(lol). admittedly I didn't call them that in the text but it works for here.

So after watching the juggler LA and I started walcing around. I stopped over to the Drcosinister Blades booth as I'm friends with the man who runs it and I wanted to say hi to him. while we were then I ran into a couple more of my friends we chatted for a bit but they were on their way out so they didn't stay very long. After that LA and I started walking up the hill and were trying to decide where to go next when i saw my friend MO working booth. I just had to go say hi. Turns out she wasn't feeling too well but it was good to see her. my friend AO was also there and it was good to see her as I hadn't seen her in quite a while. I was glad that, for the most part, she's been doing pretty good and was happy. LA and myself were getting ready to leave that booth when AH I and R caught up with us.

We all started walking together going further in to Pirate Fest when AH I said that she had to go find our friends L & M so she can take engagement photos for them. LA wanted to watch some hoola hoop performers that were supposed to do a fire performance. Since I wanted to see more of my friends it was decided that I would continue to walk with AH I and LA would stay and watch the show with R.

As I'm walkiing with AH I, I saw my friend DZ which was good as I had something to give him another friend had asked me to hold on to until I saw him. so I gave that and waved/said hi to a couple other friends and moved on.

Now it's at this point that I'm going to gloss over a good section of the rest of Pirate Fest because a.) I'd been drinking for quite a bit and the buzz that had built up was pretty strong,and b.)not much really happened other than just hanging out with friends and having a good time. I did get a really cool picture of three people dressed as Doctor Who plus a young lady who looked like Amy Pond. The funny thing is that the girl wasn't actually with them. I came across them as she was telling them how cool their costumes were and I happened to notice that she was a red head who did kind of look like the actress who plays Amy Pond on the current run of Doctor Who. There was laughs. A few jokes about L's level of drunkness. A bunch of us was using it as an adjective and I think she was wanting it used as a verb lol. During this time I did run into my friend AP and me and her had an illuminating talk(at least on my end)which helps me decide how I'm going to proceed on certain things(more about that in a later post). So after the hanging around, laughing, joking, and a bit more drinking on my part; not to mention some cool pictures taken by my friend MS I of me looking like a Pirate Pimp, it was time to leave as we had to be at Dave 7 Buster's.

Day 1(Dave & Buster's)


The second half of my birthday celebration for that day was at Dave & Buster's. Now if you've never been there the best way I could describe it is that it's like Chuck 'E' Cheese for adults; minus the giant mouse plus the addition of alcohol. Now by this point I was considerably back in the sober range but still having fun. The plan was originally to get there at 6 but it took a little longer to leave Pirate Fest than expected so we didn't get there until 6:30 or so. A couple of people were a little miffed about it and that was understandable as I didn't call to inform them about my late status but that's mainly because my phone had died (I really need to get a new battery). Luckily though once I got there things were all cool. The first friend I ran into was my friend X and her son. i made sure to go say hi to her so that she wouldn't leave because of how late I was. The I saw my friend C who was there with her boyfriend. Waiting not too far inside was AH II and the people with her. I was very happy to see her there to help me celebrate my birthday. while I was saying hi to folks AH I and R was parking their car, it was agreed that since I was late I should do damage control and make sure everyone was still in a good mood. So we went to get seats and the lady in charge of that put us at this long table over by the bar which was big enough to fit most of us. Shortly after I sat down MF (the girl I've been seeing) came in and sat next to me. She looked very pretty and I was very happy to see her too. She sat next to me and we snuggled a bit because we were happy to see each other. Not long after my friends JH, G, and MS II came in. They gave me a gift bag full of stuff from Metropolis I'LL which made me very happy. If you don't know I'm a huge superman fan and it was really cool that they did that.

Ok, I'll admit that at this point I was starting to get a bit teary eyed. You see in all the years I've been in the St. Louis area having real friends is relatively new to me; so the fact that all of these people came to clebrate my birthday with me was really neat and made me feel extra special and loved. I know for some people that may not seem like a huge thing but it is to me. I tried to thank everyone for coming but I kept getting teary and choked up so I stopped. I think everyone got what I was trying to say.

Shortly after this Team Rocket(sorry guys but it's too cute) arrived we then all ordered food and it was quite good. I ordered myself a drink that was really tasty. My buzz from earlier didn't come back because I was sober again by this point and it would have taken more than that one to bring it back. While we were waiting on out food my friends RC and S showed up. They didn't order anything as they had gone to eat after leaving Fest and they came to hang out. It was a really good time and the food was great. I walked out with AH II to her car at one point because she had a book I had bought from her that she wanted to give me. I'll admit I could have waited in the restaurant for her to come back but I had something of an ulterior motive for going with her ;). While me and her were standing outside talking my friends RS and ES showed up. I had told them we all were done eating and we were going to be playing games. they said that's cool they were going to play games too but were also going to order food. I said cool, as there were tables in game area they could eat at. Later on I went with MF to her car to drop off my gifts and left-overs(also with an ulterior motive on my part lol). We came back inside and went to play some games. I loved that. I played some skee-ball with MF, got a group together to play a trivia game that they had. it was fantastic. As the evening went on folks started to leave telling me good by and wishing me a happy birthday. Overall that day was a fantastic day, it was the best birthday celebration I've had since I was a little kid.

Day 2

Monday September 26th 2011 was my actual birthday. I didn't really do much during the day. I did make a nice Logan's Run reference on my facebook and fetlife pages though. I spent most of the day relaxing, drinking, and watching the movies Tron and Tron: Legacy. I picked Tron because it is a movie from my childhood that I loved and it's about as old as I am.

Later on I did more celebrating when I went to The Crack Fox for my birthday. Now I didn't make this a party but I knew a lot ofmy friends were going to be there for a different event. As I was running low on money I only took about seven dollars with me. I figured I'd have one drink, hang with my friends, and just have a good time. it went even better than I expected. I had several drinks because the nice thing about going to a bar on your birthday(and letting people know that) is that folks want to buy you drinks to help you celebrate. I think the fact that it was my 30th made people want to help me celebrate it even more. I had gotten to the bar around 9:30 and there were a few people I knew already there that I was talking with, but the real good fun started around 11:00 or so when even more of my friends showed up.

My friends Team Rocket, P, RH,T, D, and AP helped me have a good time. After a couple of hours hanging out and having a few drinks it was time to go home. Now by this point I had been hitting on my friend AP for quite a bit and there was something I just had to do before I went home. So I told her I was getting ready to leave and asked her to step outside with me. Once we were outside I pulled her in and kissed her. If you ask me it was a pretty good kiss. I'm hoping she agrees as I plan to continue that at a later date. After that we exchanged numbers and I headed home.

So that's pretty much how my birthday went. I had a fantastic time and I can't believe haw lucky I am to have the life I do.

*The L in LA is not part of a name, it stands for Little.

Random update

I'm sitting here bored at work and I realized I hadn't posted anything in a while(ok three weeks but it feels like it's been a while) so this is just a random blog. Let's see, well since my last post things have been going pretty well for me. The move into my new apartment went fantastically. I hired the moving company Two Men and a Truck to move my furniture and they did a great job. They showed up around 10:30 in the morning and the entire move was done in an hour. The guys who moved my stuff were pretty cool and were quite happy the move didn't take long. As a matter of fact one guy joked that it was so easy they should pay me(they didn't of course lol). I had planned to invite some friends over to hang out with me at my building's pool as the next day was labor day and they would be closing the pool after that; unfortunatly the weather gods decided not to cooperate and made it a cold and rainy day. So with that and, suprisingly, being tired from the stuff I moved by myself before the movers came I was wound up cancelling having people come over. I really do need to rechedule that.

About a week before the move I went to a party that was being thrown by my friends D & B. I had a great time; got to see and hang with good friends(some I hadn't seen in a while), got to know one friend just a bit better ;). I can't wait until the next party they throw.

It's funny that I mention those two things as they are sort of connected. Not really but on the same day that I moved into my new place I had a date with M, the friend I "connected" with at the party. After that I figured asking her out couldn't hurt. Well the date went pretty well. We went out to dinner and had good conversation to go with our really good food. It was different going out with someone I'd been running into for a couple of years. While we didn't really "know" each other we weren't strangers either. There was no pressure, I didn't feel the need to act like I had to impress her. I was able to be my relaxed self and didn't feel nervous at all which worked to my favor. We ended the night with a kiss and went our seperate ways but with plans to get together again soon. It's been about two weeks and I think things are going pretty well. I enjoy her company and she's said she enjoys mine too. It's nice to be dating someone where there is no pressure and things just feel relaxed.

I also recently got to be a part of Charolette Time's(stage name of course) first official burlesque performance, it was fantastic. She had asked me earlier in the week if I would be up for helping and I said of course. How could I not; she's really attractive, has an awesome personality, and if I thought I was her type I'd totally ask her out lol. Her performance was part of Subversion, which is a local awesome monthly event I go to, which had a country theme(it had a specific name but I suck at remembering it). The plan was that at one point she would point to me, have me come on stage, do some dancing and then kick me off. It went perfectly. I had a great time and friends who were there were telling me how cool that was; so I had a huge grin on my face for the rest of the night. Read her blog here, http://thelifeandcharlottetimes.com/, to see her post about it.

So all in all I've been having a great time making new friends, getting better connected with the ones I've already known for a bit. Next weekend is my birthday weekend. I'll be turning 30 on Monday September 26th. From what's planned, things are already looking to be great. So unless something huge happens between now and then,  that is what my next post will be about.