Feel honored

So last night I went to The Crack Fox because they were holding The Burlesqkies. An awards show for the folks of The Thunderkittens and all those who help make their shows amazing. I was given the honorary award of "Burlesque fan of the year". It was really awesome to get that award.

I knew about it before I got to The Crack Fox mind you but I was late getting there as I get off work at 8:30 and don't get home until 9. So after getting home and changing clothes I went straight there. I don't care what anyone says nothing rocks more than having people cheer for you. A friend had posted on my facebook page that people had been cheering for me when they announced my award. I was a bit late getting there because of the timing of things but when I got there they pulled me on stage and gave me my award. It was definetly an awesome feeling.

Afterward I hung out for a couple of hours. I'm actually friends with the people who are members of both The Thunderkittens burlesque troop and  Dragon's Gaze fire troop and I've got to say it's pretty cool. I've learned that I even have a bit of my own fame because of it. Nothing is cooler than having people I've not met recognizing me and telling me they think I'm cool.

I attached a pic taken by Charlotte Sumtimes, a good friend and burlesque performer with the Thunderkittens, of me with my award :-)

Been thinking

With my recent break-up(got back with the girl mentioned in "Unforgivable" and are broken up again) I've been thinking about the nature of my relationships.

I recently realized that I've been involved with someone for almost three years now. That could technically qualify as my longest relationship yet; except for the fact that it's not a relationship in the traditional sense. She best describes it as a non-relationship and that seems like a good description to me. The thing that seems to stick out most to me though is the fact that that has lasted longer than any of my full fledged relationships. Now if this were a movie or something some friend would probably say that it has affected my other relationships; I can definetly say though that it hasn't, as this issue has been going on for a long time. Truth be told this has nothing to do with that conversation. This is more about me wondering why the others haven't lasted as long.

Now I do realize that the common factor in all of my past relationships is me. I've dumped, been dumped, and have just had things just fizzle and die. There are probably some things I need to change about my approach to relationships. For one thing I need to stop allowing myself to be pulled into relationships so fast. The majority of the women I've dated that led to a relationship happened within the first couple of dates. As a friend I tried to date pointed out to me (and I may be remembering poorly) "The fire that burns brightest burns quickest" and that is how a lot of my relationships have gone. We start dating and it's all passion and "I love you" and all that way too quickly. I know I for one tend to get swept up by my emotions and it's as if I have no control over them. I fall hard and fast. The relationship always seems to end about the same; hard and fast.

The interesting thing(to me anyway) is the fact that with the women I'm more than friends (but not in a relationship) with I don't seem to have that problem. I don't put any pressure on things and am more relaxed. That may be why they have all lasted longer. Part of the reason is the fact that I know from the get go that it's not as serious and therefore I don't feel the need to try so hard or cling as much. I don't know if it's because I know that from day one or if it's the fact that the way things happened I was more comfortable being myself. Either way I'm not throwing "I love you" out there(I do still love them it's just different) and not placing any sort of expectations about how long we'll last or where things are going or any of that stuff.

I think what I need to do is figure out how to get my mind to a place where I can treat a full fledged relationship like I treat those. I'm planning on taking time off from being in a relationship and try to work on myself and my issues as much as I can. I'm not giving up on them and if someone decides they are interested in dating me then that's good but I do need to make some changes in how I handle things. I know what I do wrong in relationships so I need to stop doing those things. I also need to stop treating every relationship like it's the one that is going to lead to the whole "Happily ever after" thing. Honestly I'm not entirely sure I even know what my happily ever after will be. Over the years the ideas I had of what I want have changed as I change. When I was younger my ideal was a wife, kids, the whole nine. I now know that kids aren't something I want, a wife would have to be someone accepting of polyamory, and there are other things that have changed in what I want.

Now that I'm 30 I think it's time to do what needs to be done to get what I want.

Looking Back

2011 was an amazing year. There were some ups, and there were some downs. I've grown closer with some friends while staying close with others. I've made bunches of new friends and have thankfully lost none. I've found love, lost love, and found it again. One thing above all else about 2011 though is how well I've gotten to know myself. Before you start going "Ewww gross" let me explain. I've become someone that I like. Not saying that I hated who I was before but I've grown this year to be someone that, if I met me, I would want to hang out with me. Gone is the self pity, or any of doubts about my value as a person.

My confidence is higher than it has ever been. No longer do I hear compliments from friends and feel as if they are "Just saying that" partly because some of the things said to me has been random and completely unsolicited. With that came an ability to just be myself. I used to be someone who would adjust my personality based on who I was hanging out with just so they would like me more. Admittedly I tended to do that more with relationships than friendships but I did it all the same. To steal a line from Popeye, I am what I am and that's all that I am.

There are some things that I probably could have done differently but for the most part I wouldn't change a thing. I realized(rather accepted) the fact that I'm polyamorous and doing so has changed my dating life for the better. I no longer feel as if something is missing even when in a relationship. I moved into a new place after three years at my old place. Can't wait for spring/summer to get here so I can hit the pool.

I've also discovered I've become popular. Not like high school popular where I have to maintain some sort of image for people to like me but a different sort of popular. I've on more than one occasion last year had someone come up to me and say hi recognizing me that I don't always remember meeting.

Dating in 2011 was very interesting. I met a few women that I felt strongly for where some turned good, and some turned bad. I no longer feel as alone as I used to and don't feel the need to find "The One" as much. Don't get me wrong I do want to find that special woman that I can one day marry(and was thinking I had but that's for another blog).

I am very much looking forward to 2012. I have a feeling that this is going to be an awesome year and I don't believe that whole end of the world crap. I realiaze this post was rather short but it was really just to say how I survived another year and that things seem to be going good. I just don't see how my life could possibly get any better than it is now.

I hope everyone had a good New Year's Eve and I hope folks have a great 2012. Am going to try and post more often. I figure even if it's not an earth shattering or incredibly exciting post it will be mine. Because in the long run that's what this blog is about. My Life and everything that comes with it.