That's what I've been feeling lately. The last couple of weeks have been pretty good. On the 14th I went with my girl* C and saw Debbie Does Dallas:The Musical. It was a bery fun play, we laughed our asses off through the whole thing. I also thought it was really cool that someone I know was a cast member. I would have stopped and said hi after the show, but had to go before she came out of the dressing room. We had dinner before the play and had a chance to catch up as we hadn't seen each other in a while. It was a pretty good evening. On the 20th I saw A(another of my girls*) and we had a pretty good night with each other hanging at Rue 13(my favorite sushi bar). While we were out we hung out for a few minutes with our friend AH and her guy and chatted. A and AH pointed out that it might be a good idea to schedule my birthday party at Dave & Buster's a bit earlier so that me and those who attend would have more time to enjoy the evening and to allow those who might have to leave early time to come, enjoy my company, and leave early if they need to. so AH and her guy left and me and A hung out at Rue for a while longer just talking and having a good time. By the way I don't care what anyone says, there is nothing more heart warming than having someone you care about fall asleep in your arms. On the 23rd I was able to hang with my best friend who I hadn't seen in far too long. We weren't able to hang out for long but the little bit of time we did hang out was fun and we had some laughs and caught up with each other. On the 24th I went over to my girl* M's house. We had a very fun night. We talked and caught up, among other things. I had to get up extra early and head home in the morning only because I had to work and had quite a ways to travel. That was more of a last minute planned thing, otherwise I would have been better pre
This last week or so made me realize a couple things: 1.) My definition of love was way too ridgid and had been causing me really stupid angst for a long time, 2.) I fealize that I am loved. Not only in the romatic sense either (although that is a pleasant bonus). It occurs to me that I've had my head up my ass for quite a while now; now that I've pulled it out I've realized the world is a brighter place than I realized.
So I'll be moving into a new apartment next week, I'm looking forward to it. It's been three years since I lived by myself and it will be nice to get back to that. Don't get me wrong I've enjoyed the last three years at my current place I just miss living by myself. My new place is going to be several blocks from my current one and I'll be on the 21st floor. I decided to get movers to move my furniture and stuff for me. I've had some friends offer to help me move which is really awesome but(at least this time) I've decided to be lazy and let someone else do all the work. I'll probably throw some sort of house warming party once I'm settled in and am confortable in my place.
I've also been making some new friends lately, which has been really cool. I even apeared in one's blog. In my opinion that is way awesome because to me that means I've become someone worth mentioning lol. I like making new friends and getting to know people; it's part of the reason I've felt these last 4 years have been amazing.
Right now I am enjoying life and feeling very happy. I don't know how long it will last but I plan on riding this wave for as long as it does.
*when I say "my girl" I mean one of my lovers. They are very important to me and when I mention them, I figure that makes it easier to have it come across who I'm refering to. Also I feel saying "My lover so and so" sounds really abnoxious and would rather just say "My girl" instead.*
Friday, August 26, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Attractive
Before I get into the meat of this let me start off by saying that if you are one of the friends this is sort of directed to, I consider you a good friend and always enjoy hanging out with you and I definetly hope you don't take this blog badly. Now, with that said(and I mean no disrespect when I say this):
FUCK YOU!!
I am really getting tired of the joke that folks like to say to me in regards of who I find attractive/date/fuck about how I like anything with a pulse that moves. Yes, I admit that I find a lot of women attractive. Tall, short, slender, bigger, large breasted, small breasted, whatever; I find women attractive. I don't really care if you agree with who I find attractive, because in all honesty it isn't for you. It's for me. Everyone has different things they find attractive in a person. There are things I'll find attractive in one person that I might not find attractive in another. If I point out to you a woman I think is cute/hot/fuckable I'm not doing it for you to approve, I'm doing it to express my opinion of what I find attractive. I get the fact that you might disagree with my opinion but unless you are planning on (if you are male) finding me someone or (if you are female) fucking/dating me yourself I don't need to hear it. If I only dated someone based on whether you found them attractive rather than what I thought I'd hardly be with anyone. I also acknowledge that I'm not the hottest guy in the world so not all the women I find attractive will find me attractive but I don't care. That doesn't change my opinion or my willingness to express it. I would hope that as my friend(s) you would at the very least accept that I like someone, even if you don't agree. There is a saying that "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one"; well I prefer "Opinions are like genitals, you can share them with whoever you want but in the end they belong to you." So while I appreciate the fact that you might disagree with my choices/opinions on who I find attractive I don't appreciate you feeling the need to act as if I should not like what I like because you don't.
That's all I wanted to say really. Admittedly in the grand scheme of things in life this isn't a super important thing but it's something that I just needed to get off my chest.
FUCK YOU!!
I am really getting tired of the joke that folks like to say to me in regards of who I find attractive/date/fuck about how I like anything with a pulse that moves. Yes, I admit that I find a lot of women attractive. Tall, short, slender, bigger, large breasted, small breasted, whatever; I find women attractive. I don't really care if you agree with who I find attractive, because in all honesty it isn't for you. It's for me. Everyone has different things they find attractive in a person. There are things I'll find attractive in one person that I might not find attractive in another. If I point out to you a woman I think is cute/hot/fuckable I'm not doing it for you to approve, I'm doing it to express my opinion of what I find attractive. I get the fact that you might disagree with my opinion but unless you are planning on (if you are male) finding me someone or (if you are female) fucking/dating me yourself I don't need to hear it. If I only dated someone based on whether you found them attractive rather than what I thought I'd hardly be with anyone. I also acknowledge that I'm not the hottest guy in the world so not all the women I find attractive will find me attractive but I don't care. That doesn't change my opinion or my willingness to express it. I would hope that as my friend(s) you would at the very least accept that I like someone, even if you don't agree. There is a saying that "Opinions are like assholes, everyone has one"; well I prefer "Opinions are like genitals, you can share them with whoever you want but in the end they belong to you." So while I appreciate the fact that you might disagree with my choices/opinions on who I find attractive I don't appreciate you feeling the need to act as if I should not like what I like because you don't.
That's all I wanted to say really. Admittedly in the grand scheme of things in life this isn't a super important thing but it's something that I just needed to get off my chest.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Me and Polyamory
It's amazing how a lover can point something out to you that you've been avoiding even if you didn't realize you had been. So for a long time now (about a year or two) I've been thinking about Polyamory and how it relates to me. For the longest time I've been saying that it's not my thing and that I couldn't handle it. After some things said to me in a conversation I was in Saturday and talking to her last night I realized I've been running from the idea for a while. "Honey, I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but you're poly" That one sentence put a lot of things in perspective. As some of my friends know I've been talking about poly for a while now and asking questions wondering what I'm missing about the whole thing trying to understand. If I'm honest with myself I was really hoping for some simple answer. To be fair, there is no such thing. The main reason she said that to me is that:
1.) I currently have three lovers that I get together with on occasion two of whom are poly themselves and one who is ok with me having other relationships.
2.) With the exceptions of a few times I've not actually been monogamous(the women I have been monogamous with are still in my fb friend's list though)
3.) As much as I would say I couldn't handle it, as long as I was aware of it upfront I actually have had no problems with it.
Honestly, she wasn't the first person to have ever suggested that to me over the last couple of years but she is the first to make me realize what I had been doing. I can't put my finger on the reasons why I've been trying to run from the idea of poly. Maybe it's because of sociaty, maybe it's because I tend to be stubborn, or it could even be that I've always had an idea in my head of what relationship I'd have and that does not fit. Then again (and this is the real reason) it could be all three. You know it's amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself. I guess it's because of all the people we know in life the one person we want to trust more than anyone is ourselves. Of course that's the one person we shouldn't trust.
One of the hurdles I've always claimed I had was jealousy, if I'm honest with myself in reality it's envy. Admittedly it is a thin line between the two, but there it is. I've always been envious of my friends who seem so happy in their relationships and I've wanted that happiness for myself for a long time. I've always tried to tell myself that I was going to find one person that would be everything to me as far as a relationship goes and in all honesty that is pretty much impossible. No one person can be everything to someone. As one or two people I've been involved with in the past have told me, there is no way anyone can actually live up to that sort of pressure. Hell, I can't even live up to that sort of pressure. I've come to realize that it is impossible for me to be someone's everything as I've come to realize, I don't want to be. The thought that it was what I wanted goes back to believing that that's what I was supposed to want. While I do believe that I can find true love I also realize that a.) I fall in love rather easily, b.) I'm ok with someone I'm with having other partners as long as they are upfront about it, and c.) I've got to stop confusing jealousy with envy.
Now while I'm able to admit this to myself(and I guess the world now) I'm not going to just start trying to form a relationship with any and every woman I can. I'm not ready for that at all. However, when I am ready to start dating or looking for a relationship again I'll be honest about this upfront. Both with myself and a potential partner. Does this mean I'm going to look for more than one partner when I start dating again; no, but I also won't be so closed off to the possibility of being involved with more than one person.
I realize this seems like a big backpedal or contradiction after one of the posts I made a couple of months back but looking back I realize I was ok with it then and I just used it as an excuse for not feeling as strong as I thought I should have felt.
As I said at the beginning of this post, it's amazing how a lover can make you realize something about yourself you didn't want to admit before. It's funny how admitting this has made me feel a lot better about my relationship past as well as be a bit less stressed about my relationship future. Alright, well I'm off to bed as I'm getting sleepy. All of this introspection is tiring after all.
1.) I currently have three lovers that I get together with on occasion two of whom are poly themselves and one who is ok with me having other relationships.
2.) With the exceptions of a few times I've not actually been monogamous(the women I have been monogamous with are still in my fb friend's list though)
3.) As much as I would say I couldn't handle it, as long as I was aware of it upfront I actually have had no problems with it.
Honestly, she wasn't the first person to have ever suggested that to me over the last couple of years but she is the first to make me realize what I had been doing. I can't put my finger on the reasons why I've been trying to run from the idea of poly. Maybe it's because of sociaty, maybe it's because I tend to be stubborn, or it could even be that I've always had an idea in my head of what relationship I'd have and that does not fit. Then again (and this is the real reason) it could be all three. You know it's amazing how easy it is to lie to yourself. I guess it's because of all the people we know in life the one person we want to trust more than anyone is ourselves. Of course that's the one person we shouldn't trust.
One of the hurdles I've always claimed I had was jealousy, if I'm honest with myself in reality it's envy. Admittedly it is a thin line between the two, but there it is. I've always been envious of my friends who seem so happy in their relationships and I've wanted that happiness for myself for a long time. I've always tried to tell myself that I was going to find one person that would be everything to me as far as a relationship goes and in all honesty that is pretty much impossible. No one person can be everything to someone. As one or two people I've been involved with in the past have told me, there is no way anyone can actually live up to that sort of pressure. Hell, I can't even live up to that sort of pressure. I've come to realize that it is impossible for me to be someone's everything as I've come to realize, I don't want to be. The thought that it was what I wanted goes back to believing that that's what I was supposed to want. While I do believe that I can find true love I also realize that a.) I fall in love rather easily, b.) I'm ok with someone I'm with having other partners as long as they are upfront about it, and c.) I've got to stop confusing jealousy with envy.
Now while I'm able to admit this to myself(and I guess the world now) I'm not going to just start trying to form a relationship with any and every woman I can. I'm not ready for that at all. However, when I am ready to start dating or looking for a relationship again I'll be honest about this upfront. Both with myself and a potential partner. Does this mean I'm going to look for more than one partner when I start dating again; no, but I also won't be so closed off to the possibility of being involved with more than one person.
I realize this seems like a big backpedal or contradiction after one of the posts I made a couple of months back but looking back I realize I was ok with it then and I just used it as an excuse for not feeling as strong as I thought I should have felt.
As I said at the beginning of this post, it's amazing how a lover can make you realize something about yourself you didn't want to admit before. It's funny how admitting this has made me feel a lot better about my relationship past as well as be a bit less stressed about my relationship future. Alright, well I'm off to bed as I'm getting sleepy. All of this introspection is tiring after all.
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