Thoughts

Before I type this let me admit I'm rather drunk waiting on food at the moment.

Why the hell can't life be as easy as we want it to be. If it was up to me I'd be happy in a relationship enjoying someone's company hanging out with my friends and having a good time. Instead I'm doing the same things single which is very fun, but there are times where I wouldn't mind having someone to share it all with. Mind you this is not a depressed "Woe is me" sort of thing but more of a simple observation. I'm fast approaching 30 (two more months to be exact) and the fact that a lot of my friends who are younger than me are either in happy realtionships or planning marriages kind of makes me long for the same thing. I'll admit I tend to think about this a tad more when I'm drunk as opposed to when I'm sober. Why can't fining that special someone be as easy as everyone I know makes it seem. I don't know a single person who's story goes "After more than a decade of looking I finally found 'the one'" that would go a long way to making me feel a bit better about my single status. One thing I've come to realize is that I don't think I want kids of my own. Step kids are fine but I'm not really interested in having my own little rugrats running around that I may have to try and keep up with. Ok, post done. I'm sure my food will be ready soon and then I'll go home, eat , and then sleep. Night all have a good one :-)

It seems I'm not a Vulcan after all

I like to think that I have a good handle on my emotions and how I react to stuff. Unfortunatly I've come to realize that as much as I want to I can't seem to control them. I always seem to find myself at one end of the spectrum or another. Either I don't feel as much as I should or I feel way too much too fast. Most times it doesn't cause any problems but when it comes to relationships I'll be dating someone (or starting to anyway) and I'll either not feel enough or fall head over heels for them, without any real transition in between. A friend who I was intimate with once told me that when I seem to fall head over heels for someone it can be intimadating because apparently it makes someone feel inadequate when they don't feel as strongly. They then feel bad because they feel responsible for my emotional state. I wish I could say that I knew why that happens but I can't. I sometimes feel like a frakking teenager, which sucks. One thing that sometimes bothers me is how quickly some of my emotions can switch off. All it will take is one action, sometimes even one word, and they'll shut off as if they never were. It makes me wish I had better control of them but writing this I realize that may be the problem. I spend so much time trying to control what I feel and when I feel it that I've possibly thrown myself off somehow. I realize I've frustrated some friends in conversations talking about how stuff people do sometimes confound me because there seems to be no logic in it. I've heard more than once "You can't always look at things logically", and I've argued that you can; but part of that is due to me trying too hard to control my emotions. Maybe I should learn to let some of that control go. Maybe if I do I'll find a much better balance within myself. I don't know, I might be weird or I might just be an average guy who is putting far too much thought into who he is and how he thinks and acts. Either way I hope I can reach a point where I'm not either ruled by my emotions or block them off completely. I will say though, that I'm glad for the friends I have who accept who I am regardless of how I might annoy them. They've gone a long way towards helping realize things about myself even if they don't realize how much of a help they've been. Well I'm done talking for now. Back to internalizing and spending too much time thinking about stuff.

Dumped

So on Wednesday July 13th 2011 at 1 pm I got dumped by my girlfriend. It was done while I was at work and through text message. I've got to say that really sucked. From my perspective this came out of nowhere. There was no fight, no big disagreement that led to it. We had just seen each other that morning and went to breakfast together as a matter of fact. She said she realized she wasn't as ready as she thought she was, which sounds a lot like "It's not you, it's me" to me. The worst part is as hurt and saddened by it I am I'm not angry. I really did care about her and saw a future with her in my life. If she called me tomorrow and said she wanted to get back together I'm not entirely sure I would turn her down. Most times when a relationship I'm in ends I can usually point to a reason, one that makes sense; but I can't see any real reason for it. The worse thing is the next day I see her add a guy as a friend on one of the social sites we share and I can't help but wonder if she really broke up with me because she is interested in that guy. It's possible that my mind is just grasping for some way to make sense of it, which is why I haven't gone all psyhco and messaged her asking who that guy is and accusing her of just being a coward and not being honest with me about her reasons. I know some people would say that a month is not really that long to be feeling so bad about a break up but I don't care how long it has been when you've formed a strong emotional connection with someone it still hurts. Ironically enough I had just gotten to the point where I didn't really care if I met anyone and was ready to delete my okcupid profile when she messaged me telling me that she liked my profile and was interested in getting to know me. Looking at the whole thing I can't help but feel like I was the test subject for an experiment to see if she could handle being in a full fledged relationship. I mean she messaged me first, she was the one who suggested us being bf/gf, and while I was the first to throw out the L word she seemed to feel the same and had no problem saying it too me. So I kind of feel like I was her equvalent to dipping her toes into the water to see if she was ready to jump in. I know it's probably irrational to think those things but I feel I'm allowed a little bit of irrationality at the moment. I have realized though that my ability to bounce back from heartache has improved. It probably helped that a good friend of mine MS went out with me and listened to me talk while I got drunk. I don't care what anyone says alcohol does do a good job of helping you feel better when bad shit happens in your life. So I'm back into the single world and am ok with it. I guess it was good I had finally reached the "I'm ok with being single" point before meeting her because I don't feel the need to reactivate my okcupid profile. I had deactivated it around the same time she deactivated hers thinking this was it and I was done lol. What I do plan on doing though is just living my life and enjoying myself. I'm going to party with some friends tonight, see Harry Potter this weekend, and try to go to a burlesque show next week where some friends of mine will be performing. If I meet someone new somewhere down the road cool, but for right now I'm not going to look for a relationship. Although I will say I could use a good fuck, after all, that works way better than alcohol in making somebody feel better about bad stuff.

There has been at least one good thing though. Actually it's seperate from the whole break-up thing. I got approved for a new apartment that I'll be moving into on the first of September. I like the building it's in. It's a one bedroom apartment in a high rise downtown that has a rooftop pool. That's actually my favorite part lol, with the way this summer has been I'm sure it will still be rediculously hot when I move so I'm totally looking forward to jumping in the pool. The only downside to this place is that fact that I've got to go back to paying to do my laundry. I haven't had to do that since my first apartment building. Looks like I'll have to make sure to keep some change around. I've had a few friends offer to help me move which I think is really cool and appreciate but I'm going to go the lazy route on this one and hire some movers. I'm doing that because I don't want to have to do any moving of the furniture myself. Like I said, the lazy route lol.

So was I hurt by the situation yes, am I going to let it keep me down, no. I do believe her when she says that she wasn't ready for things despite my bouts of irrationality and I hope that I'm wrong on that whole "dumped me to be with someone else" thought that's in the back of my head at the moment. Overall, I'll be fine, I'm still aliive after all. Which is probably good because I'm pretty sure I'd lose some friends if I were a zombie. Apparently people don't want to spend eternity as an undead rotting corpse that does nothing but eat flesh. Ironically enough though, spending eternity as a perfectly preserved undead corpse that drinks blood and can't go out into the sun is just fine though. ;) lol. Alright well my shift is about to start at work so let me get that over with so I can go hang out with friends, get drunk, and watch some hotties wrestle in olive oil. Ok, that sentence right there is one of the reasons that despite getting dumped I still love my life :-)